Mama's (soon to be) Fit Life

What I'm doing lately...

2012-02-07T11:22:00.000-06:00

So, I had a personal training session today at the gym. My personal trainer, Jai, is a tall, dark, and handsome man that I don't mind paying to look at for an hour. Unfortunately, he made me work instead of just stare :)

He is helping me out with the toning and weights. Weights are always something that has scared me. I have never used weights when trying to lose weight.... that whole muscle weighs more than fat thing made me believe if I lifted weights I wouldn't see a loss on the scale. Well, since I am only weighing once a month and I'm trying to see a permanent change in my quality in life not just the number on the scale; I figured I need to figure out this weight lifting thing.

So, to start we had to do this thing called "Fit Point". Basically it is a whole bunch of tests to figure out how out of shape I am. They test my cardio, my flexibility, my arm strength, and they use those little pinchers to figure out my BMI. The verdict: I have great arm strenght(thank you 20 pound babies) and I am horribly out of shape in every other area. Interestingly though: I would have a healthy BMI if I got down to 196 - 209lbs. Apparently I am made up of a lot of lean muscle. 159 pounds of lean muscle to be exact.... That is the goal I am concentrating on. Under 200 pounds. From there, I will figure the rest out as I go.

Do you weight train/tone? Or you a afraid, much like I was? Do you take fish oil? This is something he encouraged... I can't figure out if I want to jump on that train or not.... He also said I should take Whey Protein after each workout... I am definitely hesitant to do that.... What do y'all think?

Oh. Josie--- I am using Myfitnesspal.com. It is an app on my iphone. It has just about every food you can think of to track. For now, I'm just journaling. I'm not paying a whole lot of attention to the calories. Slow and steady changes.

Laura:)

My 11

2012-02-06T10:19:00.000-06:00

The rules:

1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

My Random 11

1. I am an avid Nora Roberts/JD Robb reader.
2. I have two cats but desperately want a dog when we have the space. Cats are nice. Dogs are better:)
3. We are done having children and I feel blessed to have both a boy and a girl but there is part of me that will always long for a third child. I think it is because I am a third child (that was a huge surprise).
4. I am like a monkey with my kids, always picking at the stuff on them and I cannot STAND to let their ears get the slightest bit waxy, even though I've been told q-tips aren't very healthy.
5. I have homework I need to be doing, but I am a wait till the absolute last minute type of gal. It isn't the last minute yet, so I haven't done the homework:)
6. I feel really lucky to get the opportunity to stay home with my kids but there are days when I wish desperately that I could go back to work. Mostly because I miss adults, but I also miss the money that comes with a job.

7. I am a horrible house keeper but I'm a really good cook. Its a trade off.

8. I excel at organization but often lack the motivation to follow through.

9. I am addicted to pinterest, good books, starbucks, and McD's. I'm trying to fix the last two addictions.

10. My dream is the run a marathon.

11. I sing loudly(and mostly off key) but I do it often, especially in the car and shower!

Morgan's Questions

If you could live anywhere else, where would you choose? Oklahoma, that is where all our family is.

Favorite beverage? coffee

Books or tv? books

Favorite game (board or otherwise)? Balderdash

Food you can't live without? Eggs

Dream job? Novelist(it is a dream because in reality I would be terrible at this)

Favorite color?red

Favorite type of music or band? All music, especially Top 40 crud that I can sing loudly too

Most embarrassing moment from high school? I block embarrassing moments out. Seriously... there are so many and I don't want to relive them!

Always cold or always hot? Hot. I hate the cold

Last movie you saw? My husband watches movies every other night, but I fall asleep during EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.

My 11 for Others

1. Favorite book?
2. Last person you said "I love you" to?
3. God or No God?
4.Cats or Dogs?
5. The best thing you've done this week?
6. Go out and party or stay in and veg?

7. Laundry or Dishes?

8. Favorite Blog?

9. Morning or Night?

10. Finish this sentence: The world is beautiful because...

11. Finish this sentence: I am beautiful because...

So, the last rule... to tag people. I'm TOTALLY breaking. I would love for those that are regular visitors and comment leavers to do this (and let me know you do it). It is fun to read new stuff about people. But, I'm not tagging you. Just do it. Because I said so.

Laura :)

And the weight is:

2012-02-04T15:10:00.000-06:00

252.6

Which would be mildly depressing. EXCEPT: It was a different scale. And I had a big cup of coffee and breakfast before weighing. And my period started which is a lot of bloat....

I came home and weighed 248 which would be 5 pounds less than I weighed a month ago. Which was my goal.

So.... goal met....

Patience is something I have to embrace on this journey. These pounds will come off... even if they come off at a snails pace. I'm slowly making changes in my life. Changes that will hopefully last a lifetime.

So, the 252.6 is just a number. Just like 248 is just a number. Just like 150 will be only a number. Want to know what I can't put into numerical value? The joy my son had when I ran around the park with him this week. The sense of accomplishment I felt when I finished my zumba class this morning. The appreciation in my husbands eye when I slip into workout clothes and head out the door.

It isn't all about the number.

Haven't Weighed Yet

2012-02-02T12:55:00.000-06:00

So, I haven't weighed yet. I'm not avoiding. There is a perfectly legitimate reason and this is it.

90 Day Challenge

So, I will be weighed this Saturday to start the 90 day challenge. I'll let you know how that goes.

In other news, went to the gym today and I got about 1.75 miles in on the treadmill before the daycare paged me. My little bug was not having anything to do with daycare today. She had cried for the entire 25 minutes I was gone. So, I'm hoping my husband is home tonight by 6pm because then I can meet a friend for Zumba. Have any of you ever done Zumba? I have zero rhythm and coordination, so it is actually kind of hilarious to watch myself do this class. But the hour long workout kicks my butt every time!

I forgot...

2012-01-26T23:16:00.000-06:00

...how good it feels to work out regularly! I was always active. All through high school and college and my twenties I have always felt best when I work out. I feel fit. I feel accomplished.

My body may be sore, but it is a good sore.

I don't eat as much when I work out. Mainly because I am feeling better.

I always forget this, or willfully push it to the back corners of my mind.

I will not let myself forget that I LIKE TO WORKOUT... even if I don't lose a single pound.

Sidenote: Being off the scale has been incredibly freeing, this week especially. I know that my food choices haven't been perfect, but I haven't felt that overwhelming sense of failure that I am known to dwell on when the scale doesn't (or does) reflect the food that I have been eating. I'll weigh on the first... got to have some accountability, but then that baby is going back away till March 1st.

Hope you all are fabulous.
Laura

So I am here

2012-01-24T13:05:00.000-06:00

and this is what I am doing...

my husband got me one of these for Christmas and I love it! I've been able to see how sedentary my lifestyle had become and I've been able to challenge myself every day to meet a certain goal for steps.

I have joined a gym. It is a little out of the way but its childcare center is phenomenal. What I have been figuring out is a little time there is good for the kids and good for me.

I am only weighing once a month. I couldn't tell you what I weigh right now. I know I feel good. I know that I am working slowly at making do-able changes in my life. I know that I am making progress. My goal for the scale... 5 pounds every month. That is a do-able goal. It means I am making small, but sustainable changes in my life. It means that I am making perfect choices, but I am making better choices. Progress not perfection... that is what I am shooting for.

I have also joined a church. My husband and I have flounder from place to place since we moved to this lovely city 8 years ago, but we never found a spot that fit our needs. I think we have now and I think this might be the most important change in the past few weeks.

So, I will be back again soon. Maybe not everyday, but I will be here! Hope you all are doing phenomenal!

Laura

I'm here and I'm working it

2012-01-23T21:27:00.000-06:00

I am here. I am doing something about my weight. I just haven't been blogging.

I'll be back tomorrow to tell you all what I have been doing.

I know y'all are just so anxious you can hardly stand it:)

Laura

Resolutions, New Beginnings, Regrets, etc.

2012-01-02T20:22:00.000-06:00

There is a whole lot running through my mind as I face this blog.

Do I just list my resolutions and pretend like the last few weeks haven't happened? (How about the whole last year?!)

Here they are:

Get healthy
Lose Weight
Get rid of credit card debt
Finish Masters Degree
Be a better mom and wife

Do I once again wax poetic about beginning again?

Here it is:
I am committed to losing weight. I am making a change in my life. This time is for real. (not really that poetic)

Do I list all my regrets?

I gained 5 pounds over the holidays. I gained 30 pounds since having a baby. I've not committed or stuck with anything in terms of health for any long term time.

OR

Do I just lay it out there?

Losing weight is hard. It is always going to be hard. Change is inconvenient. It is always going to be inconvenient. Being fat is miserable. It is always going to be miserable. My husband and kids deserve more from me. They are always going to deserve more. I need to believe that I am capable of being healthy. I always need to believe in myself. I need to have faith in the Lord that He has a plan for me and being fat forever is not it. I always need to find that seed of faith.

I'm here. I'm working at it. I will continue to work at it.

Happy New Year ;)

I'm here!

2011-12-10T22:03:00.000-06:00

I know I was posting every day and being gone the past couple might give the impression that I'm hiding out. I'm not. I'm mulling things over in my brain. Some very good comments on the last post. I'm trying to make sure that I'm not setting myself up for failure but that I am holding myself accountable to my addiction. It is a fine line to walk.

Here is my baby girl in possibly the cutest Santa hat picture ever! (No reason for her picture and yes, I know my opinion is completely bias)!

I've been looking at the race schedule for the next 6 months, trying to figure out the when and the how. I'm getting close to having that finalized, I'll post that soon!

I walked 3.39 miles outside tonight. It was flipping cold, but it felt so GOOD. I'm going to keep up the walking and slowly add in jogging.

Lots of thoughts on this quiet Saturday night. Hope you all are warm and cozy!

Laura

Why it won't work for me

2011-12-08T09:09:00.000-06:00

Tuesday's Journal:
exercise- walked 2 miles with the baby strapped to me
food- 1 egg, 1 piece of toast, bacon bits
apple
chicken salad
banana and hardboiled egg
grilled chicken, broccoli
1 small piece veggie pizza
3 cups coffee with cream and splenda
10 cups of water
8 strawberries with fruit dip and 2 cookies
^
^
^
^
Do you see that there? That is moderation. I went to a MNO party and cookie exchange. It was a fun evening. I had one small pretzel cookie and one chocolate chip cookie. I choose strawberries with the light fruit dip as my main item to snack on. Considering all my choices, it was a plate that I filled with moderation in my mind.
The next morning I woke up, weighed (which I have been doing daily) and saw a 1.2 pound gain. It messed with my brain all morning. Then my son was pushing every single button I have and I was starting to feel stressed. I had my lunch of tuna salad. I was full. I had yet to drink any water. I knew I needed to get a cup of water.
My kiddo pushed that last button. As he went to time out, I went to the kitchen. And said, screw it. I grabbed the bag of candy that I had left from making my christmas cookies. Large bag. Lots left.
Not very many left now. Then I went to the cupboard and pulled out the tortilla chips that I had asked my husband to take to work so I wouldn't be tempted. Snacked on those for awhile. All the while, I'm irritated. I'm guilty. I'm sad. Went and fixed myself a couple of hot dogs. Munched on those while sipping my husband's full sugar soda.
All in all, my binge lasted a few hours. Then I stopped. I felt nauseous. I was ticked. I called my husband. Fessed up. Told him to bring dinner home for him and the kiddo. I was done for the day.
I am an addict. Dramatic word, but so true for my life. I cannot have food playing any other role than fuel in my life. At the party, I was already full. I had specifically eaten dinner before going. I did not need the food, I needed no fuel. But, I ate. And it opened the door for me to go tumbling through.
Yesterday's Journal:
food- 2 eggs, english muffin
tuna salad
3/4 bag of peanut butter m&m's
2 big bowls of tortilla chips
2 hot dogs with ketchup
2 cokes
3 cups of coffee with cream and splenda
0 water
Exercise - none

I learned a lesson here. Moderation is key for a lot of people. It is not the key for me. It just won't work.

Weight: -11 pounds

2011-12-06T08:20:00.000-06:00

Starting Weight: 255.6
Today's Weight: 244.6
Loss: 11 pounds

I know all weeks won't be like this. Likely, no week will be like this one again because that is a big loss in a week. A lot of that is the initial water weight I dropped because I've been drinking so much water.

But, it is a fun number to record :)

I've been thinking a lot about the holidays and how I am going to stick to my food plan while we are visiting relatives. I don't feel like I can let myself go at all and this is why:

We are sitting at Christmas dinner with my inlaws and the beef tenderloin that has been roasted with a pound of butter, the mashed potatoes, the rolls, the desserts. I take a slice of beef tenderloin.

Inner dialogue in my brain, "I'll just take a piece of the tenderloin. Well, since I'm having that I might as well have a small portion of potatoes. You know what, those were really yummy. Just for tonight I'll have seconds, and also a roll. I'll just eat how I want for this meal."

Well, that meal will turn into the next day. Which will turn into the whole time we are on vacation. Which will turn back into falling into my patterns of using food for more than fuel.

There is nothing wrong with a good meal. There is nothing wrong with the pleasure that comes from preparing and sharing that meal with family and friends. This is normal.

But, I'm not normal. Just like an alcoholic can't have one glass of wine. I truly can't have that meal. It is a slippery slope for me that leads back into abusing food. So, how will I handle that meal. I know I can't eat it. But how do I explain it to my loving in laws. How do I explain it without becoming embarrassed? They know I'm fat... I mean, they can look at me and know. But will the understand the choices I am making. Does it matter if they understand?

How do you handle family and your food choices? Do they respect the battle you are fighting?

Yesterday:
Food- 2 eggs and english muffin
chik-fil-a garden salad with low fat balsamic dressing. 1/2 the sunflower seeds, 1/2 the croutons
1/2 a diet coke
hard boiled egg
Baked fish with 3 cups of veggies (I made a whole wheat basmanti rice, but it was gross)
10 cups of water
3 cups of coffee with cream and splenda

Exercise-none

Here are my kiddos visiting Santa. The little one was not thrilled:)

Quick Check In

2011-12-05T10:46:00.000-06:00

Hope this Monday finds everybody happy, healthy, and WARM!

I don't have time for much, my husband took the day off and we are heading out to see Santa with the kids!

I will be back tomorrow to spew more thoughts about this whole process and to have my first weight recorded since starting.

See y'all then!

Yesterday:
Food- 1 egg, 1 piece of toast, bacon bits
banana
chicken salad with spinach, mayo, light ranch, slivered almonds, and pita croutons
apple and hardboiled egg
chicken breast, 1/2 cup spaghetti, mixed veggies
3 cups of coffee with cream and splenda
water- 10 cups
exercise- none

Exercise

2011-12-04T10:44:00.000-06:00

I haven't really addressed exercise since my restart.

The thing is, exercise is definitely part of the equation of how I will lose and maintain weight.

BUT, exercise isn't something I am unhealthy about. It isn't something that has a ton of mental weight wrapped up into the physical weight. Does that make sense? I need to be more active, that is a definite. But my food addiction is what made me fat. Not my lack of activity.

***Side note: I feel somewhat overly dramatic calling it "food addiction". But, I am making myself refer to it as such because it places an importance on it that is needed. I need to face the fact that I have a problem with food and it is a serious problem.***

However, it is something I have to incorporate into my life. The question is when and how?

As I said in my last post, I am sick. So, exercise isn't really going to happen until I at least kick part of this illness. But, I need to start thinking about what it is going to look like in my life.

When do you exercise? What do you do?

Yesterday:
Food - 2 poached eggs on an english muffin
2 cups of coffee with cream and splenda
spinach with chicken salad made with light mayo, sliced almonds, pita croutons, and light ranch
banana
hardboiled egg
1 serving lean pot roast, roasted potatoes, carrots, and peas.
8 cups of water

Exercise - none

Sick

2011-12-03T08:56:00.000-06:00

I am sick. I have been this whole week. It is one of those sicks that isn't enough to warrant a trip to the doctor, but is enough to wreak havoc in my life. I'm up a lot at night coughing. I have a killer headache.

All of this is relevant because, what do I use when I don't feel good? Food.

I feel like I have sort of been thrown into the deep end of the pool. I'm having to cope with not feeling well in other ways than my addiction.

I am having to reprogram my brain... a brain that is hurting and not really in the mood to be reprogramed.

But, it is happening. I am changing my brain and changing my life.

Yesterday:
2 eggs and an english muffin
3 cups of coffee with cream and splenda
Turkey tenderloin with veggies and brown rice
banana and hard boiled egg
salad with turkey tenderloin, green onions, almonds, pita croutons, and light ranch
8 cups of water

No exercise.

See y'all tomorrow.
Laura :)

Relationship Advice

2011-12-02T08:02:00.000-06:00

Thank you for your comments yesterday. Your support means a lot!

So, do you have a relationship with food? Is it a healthy one?

As I said yesterday, I broke up with food. I have been abusing it for so long, I just can't have it in my life. It has to be a non-issue, just fuel for my body. I can't have joy and anticipation of the next great meal. I can't go to a social occasion and find happiness at the refreshments. I just can't, because I quickly turn from the pleasure of a good meal to using food to be my friend, my lover, my doctor, my therapist, etc. etc. etc.

I broke up with food. It's a relationship that has needed to end for quite awhile.

Yesterday's Journal:
2 poached eggs, English muffin
Banana
2 cups lettuce, green onions, pita croutons with almonds, light ranch
Tuna with light mayo
Apple and hard boiled egg
Grilled chicken, green beans, rice
8 cups water
2 cups coffee with cream and Splenda

Walked 30 minutes with 20 pound baby in the front carrier

Begin Again... for the LAST time.

2011-12-01T11:31:00.000-06:00

How fat is fat enough? What is my breaking point of no more?

I think I hit it folks. Monday I stepped on the scale and it read 255.6!

TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY FIVE POUNDS! I am officially 100 pounds heavier than my husband.

It is fat enough.

I can't continue to slowly kill myself the way I have been for the last 10 years.

So, I'm beginning again. For the absolute last time.

I absolutely REFUSE to sit here a year from now and still be talking about beginning again. I absolutely refuse to destroy my family by being so addicted to food as a cure, a celebration, a soother, a boredom filler, a friend.... If I was an alcoholic, I wouldn't fill my fridge with beer and expect to just deal with the cravings. I would eliminate it from my life in all the ways I could. My husband wouldn't expect me to serve him wine at dinner while I drank ice water. I have to approach this as what it is: an addiction.

From this day forward, food is fuel. I have to break up with food. I cannot continue our relationship as it is.

That may seem drastic. That may seem like I am setting myself up for inevitable failure because I am not giving myself "cheats" or "free days" or learning to love the healthy food that is out there for me.

But I truly, deep down in my gut believe that this is what I have to do. I don't eat chicken nuggets and fries because I enjoy them... I eat them because I am addicted. I eat them because somewhere I programed my brain to believe that food could fix what was wrong in my life. It was something that I could control, it was something that could temporarily fill a void. I have to reprogram my brain.

I am not fat because I love food. I'm fat because I abuse food.

So, food is fuel. This is what the government says I need to be healthy:

Grains : 7 ounces
Vegetables: 3 cups
Fruits: 2 cups
Dairy: 3 cups
Protein: 6 ounces

This is what that looks like in my day:

Breakfast:
Protein
Grain
Dairy

Snack:
Fruit

Lunch:
Protein
Vegetable x2
Grain

Snack:
Fruit
Dairy

Dinner:
Protein
Vegetable
Grain

Food is fuel. It may seem drastic. It may seem crazy to completely change the way I have been eating. It may seem insane to limit myself and not allow wiggle room.

But I think 255.6 pounds calls for something drastic. Don't you?

Laura

***Josie, I never heard from you, did you get my email? Let me know in the comments!***

Yesterday's food journal:

Breakfast: Poached Egg, English muffin, coffee with creamer and splenda

Snack: Banana

Lunch: Tuna with light mayo, salad with lettuce, green onions, and sliced almonds and pita croutons, and light ranch

Snack:
Apple and Cup of Coffee with cream and splenda

Dinner:
Turkey Tenderloin, roasted veggies, and whole grain rice

Water: 8 cups
Exercise: none

Glass half full/empty

2011-11-14T11:14:00.000-06:00

This morning started with a bang. 5:30am and Little Man woke us up by crawling into bed and promptly vomiting. Poor guy. He is just sick enough to stay home, but not so sick that he doesn't have the energy to whine and complain.

My van is broken. It is either a 20 dollar part or a 3000 dollar fix.

So, I have no car until we figure that mess out.

Little Man getting sick at 5:30am meant that the Goose was up with him. Which means her schedule is all sorts of screwed up... and she is teething and cranky.

Basically, I could moan for hours about what an unspectacular morning it has been.

Instead I'll be thankful:

My son is sick with a virus that will last 24 or 48 hours. He is otherwise a healthy child and I cannot be more thankful for his health.

If my van is broken we will be able to figure out something in terms of fixing it or getting a new car. We are lucky to be able to afford to make choices, even if they are sometimes not the choice we want to make.

I have a beautiful little girl who is generally happy and healthy. She loves life so much and is a joy even when she is teething. The 15 minutes she cranked before falling asleep is a small price to pay for the beauty she brings to my life.

I can choose to look at the bright side, to see the glass half full. Or I can choose to focus on the negative.

I can also choose to combat my own fatigue and irritation with food and laziness. Or I can choose to be productive and stick within my food guidelines and remember that this too shall pass.

Weight: 248.0
Mood: tired

Where?

2011-11-12T16:25:00.000-06:00

Where will the motivation come from?

That is the question I have been asking a lot this week (actually, for 10+ years).

I am waiting for the motivation to strike me, like lightning. For the sky to open up and all the sudden my will power, my desire to be thin, my courage to make the healthy choice, my strength to change to just suddenly kick in and vanquish the fear... the longing... the weakness... the sadness... the food and apathy.

Truth: it isn't going to happen. It just isn't. No lightning is going to strike and make me thin and athletic. No magic pill is going to change my weakness into strength.

Each and every day that I wake up, I will have to choose life. I will have to choose happiness. I will have to choose a healthy life.

That terrifies me.

I so want it to be easy and the truth is it never will be. I could lose all my weight, be a size 4 and it still isn't going to be easy. I have to find my motivation and decide that it is more important than the food. Again, I have to make that choice.

I can keep waiting for the lightning or the pill. And keep getting fatter.

Or I can choose everyday to find my motivation and change my life.

Weight: 250.6
Mood: Determined

Plan vs No-Plan vs Somewhere In Between

2011-11-10T08:33:00.000-06:00

I am fabulous at making plans. I can make lists, charts, and timelines with the best of them. I can calculate down to the minute what I should be doing during the day to have the most success.

I almost never follow my plans.

I might start out the day on the right foot and begin checking my to do's and to don'ts off my list. But somewhere along the way I always begin to stray. And once I start to deviate, it is the beginning of the end.

Is the fault in the plan? Or is the fault my own inability to follow through? Would I do better with no plan? Or is no plan just planning for failure? Do I keep making the plans hoping someday I will really change my life?

I don't think the plans are really the problem, so much as my inaction. Thank you for sharing your motivation with me yesterday. Alice- your daughters being your motivation really hit home for me. It scares me so much to think of my daughter following my path to unhealthiness! I just need to turn the fear to a positive and change the example I am setting.

Weight: 249.6
Mood: uncertain

Here Again...

2011-11-09T16:22:00.000-06:00

I came back today because yesterday I said I would.

That is something, I guess.

I walked for about 40 minutes today with the littlest. Took her to the mall and just walked before the stores opened.

I kept seeing all the cute clothes and thinking about how nice it would be to wear some of them...

Problem is I don't seem to have the motivation to do much.

Where will that motivation come from? That seems to be the million dollar question. On the days when it all seems too much, where does your motivation come from?

Weight: 248.2
Mood: Apathetic.

PS> Thanks to all of you who commented. It was nice to see that there are still people out there!!

Where to begin....

2011-11-08T15:26:00.002-06:00

So, I fell off the face of the earth.

Well, not really. I just didn't want to blog. Why? I think you can guess why.

My husband asked me a question last night:

"How fat do you want to be exactly?"

It sounds cruel. But it was an honest question. I keep talking about how unhappy I am, how I want to live a healthy life, and then I binge eat the day away and put on another pound.

So, how fat do I want to be. When is it going to be fat enough for me to put the brakes on the weight gain?

This is never going to be easy. I can keep wishing away the pounds as I cram another fry into my face, but it isn't ever going to change the facts. I have to eat less and move more if I want to see the weight come off.

So, I'm here. Which is a step. I'll be back tomorrow. Which is another step.

One foot in front of the other for right now.

Weight: 251.6

Mood: Depressed

The Bet

2011-10-02T22:53:00.002-05:00

I was just sort of joking around.

I didn't really think he would care one way or another.

But, when I told my husband I was getting my hair colored on the 12th and I was thinking of going brunette again... well, he made a face. You know.. THE face. The face that says he doesn't really think that is a great idea.

So, I thought about it and I told him I would bet him my hair color that I could lose 10 pounds by the 12th. I was thinking he would keep me blonde if he won, I would do my brunette/red combo if I won. No big deal.

Then he looked at me with an evil little glint in his eye.

"I hope you like blue."

BLUE? He laughs menacingly and says, I should think a little more creatively before making these sort of bets.

1.5 pounds down, 8.5 to go. I will NOT have blue hair this fall!

Where Oh Where did my little blog go?

2011-09-27T09:26:00.002-05:00

So, my blog has been here. But I haven't.

Total denial people, total denial. That is what I have firmly been living in.

It is insane how much denial one person can shield themselves in.

I'm here today though.

I haven't been on a scale in a month. Really don't have any desire to get on one either.

Plus, I put it in my garage and when I went to hunt for it, I couldn't find it. That is either a sign to stay off the scale or a sign that I need to work on my memory and organization.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I can spout all the plans in the world, but I don't follow through on anything, so what is the point?!

The point is my health obviously. But, how do I go from plan to action? How do I truly makes this time the time that sticks?

Beats me, other than just saying (and believing, that's the hard part) that this time it is for real. Today is day one. I'm not weighing... mostly because the scale is lost and I have other things to do that don't involve digging through my garage.

So, I'm here. I'm working it.

Thin Thursday: Balance

2011-08-25T11:16:00.002-05:00

This was a thought I had last night:

Sometimes I become so focused on what I want that I forget to appreciate all that I have.

There is an issue when you get so wrapped up in the "what will be's" that you let the good things all around you pass unappreciated. How does this relate to weight loss (or lack of)?

I'm so desperate to be in a different shaped body, that I forget to appreciate my body for what it can do now. The other day I blogged about the lack of love I feel for myself and why this is such a hard thing for me to think about. How can I truly change my body if I don't love it? Why would I treat something I hate with any care or in a way that gives it value? I'm so wrapped up in what I want for my body, that I don't take care of what I have. This translates to a lot of areas of life.

Are you an "in the now" type of person? Or do you focus more on what is coming down the road? Have you found that right way to balance these two different ways of approaching life? I need the balance.... I'm taking steps to find that balance.

Have a wonderful Thursday!

Tuesday Two: Scale Obsession and Goals(or Lack of)

2011-08-23T09:21:00.002-05:00

1)So, it is official, I'm obsessed with my scale. You know you have a problem when you step on then off then on then off... and continually do little "tricks" to see if you will get a different number. Tricks like exhaling....then looking at the number. Tricks like taking off your wedding ring....then looking at the number. I wish I was being sarcastic, but those are two things I have done and there are numerous others. I have to learn to look at the whole picture as a measurement for success. I have to learn to lean on God's grace, not the judgment of a number.

To work on my scale obsession, I'm putting it away. I weighed on August 17th. I will weigh again on October 17th. That is right people, 2 months! T-W-O months!!!! The scale is in my garage. I will NOT be looking at it for 2 whole months. I have no goal number in mind for what to see at the end of that two months. All I'm going to do is concentrate on my behaviors and choices. Everyday....every moment, I'm given the opportunity to love myself, be healthy, honor my body or to feed my physical and spiritual self with unhappiness and shame. So, that is what I'm working on.

2)I'm so hesitant to have true, honest goals for where I want my body to be. I can't figure out if that is an effort to look at the whole picture of this journey or if it is a cop out because I don't want to be accountable.... what do you think?

Hope y'all are wonderful on this Tuesday!

Laura

Weight Wednesday

2011-08-17T11:03:00.002-05:00

Starting Weight: 243.4

Today's Weight: 233.2

Weekly Loss: -2 pounds

Total Loss: -10.2 pounds

Feelings:

The weight is coming off and will continue to come off as long as I don't work against myself. I've had a rough couple of days but was please to be able to record a loss.

Seeing my first goal of 5% of my weight gone does weird mental things to me. You would think it would encourage me but it almost works backwards. It is almost like I'm afraid to succeed. I have to work through that fear and experience success and move onwards and downwards!

Hope you are all doing great!

Laura:)

Tuesday Two: Mental and Physical

2011-08-16T10:04:00.002-05:00

1)Mental: Yesterday I was reading blogs and one in particular hit my mental "don't go there" zone. It highlighted something that I struggle with greatly and don't know how to overcome. It is something that I just shove back into the dark mental basement and don't try and address because I literally don't know what to do with it. The thought: I'm suppose to love myself. The truth as I see it: I don't love my body the way it is and I don't really know how to change those thoughts.

2)Physical: I was exhausted yesterday. Being up all night with a 3 month old who is refusing to sleep more than 20 minute stretches just left me feeling physically drained. I trudged through the day but was doing little more than just trying to make it till the husband was home, kids were in bed and I could crash.

The result of these two things: I had a really off day food wise. Not a binge, but I certainly didn't make healthy choices. I let the physical and mental exhaustion overwhelm my goals in life. But, I woke up this morning slightly more refreshed. I've been productive the first few hours of the day and I am determined not to let one off day derail me completely.

When you have an off day, how do you turn yourself around? If you are trying to lose weight and have fallen off that wagon, how do you keep one day from turning into 2, then 3, then....?

Sunday Strategy

2011-08-14T19:15:00.004-05:00

What is working for me?

Eating food, no processed, packaged "100 Calorie" stuff. Things like Special K cereal bars aren't so special when I inhale 5 in one sitting! I have ZERO control when it comes to convenience foods. I do much better on days where I eat lots of fresh fruit and veggies. It is working for my new life!

What isn't working for me?

Expectations of greatness in a short amount of time! I want the weight to fall off and fall off quickly. I want to see immediate results for my efforts. I get overwhelmed when I start thinking about how long it is going to take me. Then I think of this quote:

It might take a year... it might take 2 or 3 to get to a healthy weight. But no matter what, a year from now is going to come... not making the needed changes in my life does not stop time from passing! I can choose to be at this same place a year from now or I can choose to be living a healthier life.

I also get obsessed about the fact that I'm not a runner and if I do run, I go so flippin' slow. Then I try to remember this quote:

Funny and true. I'm moving, that is what counts!

I made these today:

Yum! Find the recipe for Orange Creamsicle Cupcakes here!

Thin Thursday: Reward and Other Such Stuff

2011-08-11T08:37:00.002-05:00

Saw this quote on Pinterest (Have I mentioned my OBSESSION with pinterest?! )

Do Not Reward Yourself With Food.

You Are Not A Dog.

Sort of hilarious. Sort of insulting. Pretty much true.

This quote has been circling in my brain like crazy the last 24 hours. I don't know why, but it certainly struck at nerve in me. What do you think of the quote? True? Insulting? Hilarious? Somewhere in between?

Other stuff happening in my brain in regards to weight loss: I touched on the need to focus on other forms of success. Something my husband pointed out to me: My children are 3 months and 4 years. By attaining my goals health wise and fitness wise, they will never really know their mother FAT. My son will have some memories of it but my daughter will not. I grew up with a morbidly obese mother. I know how this affected me and I will not pass those issues on to my children.

Also, my husband asked me what my goal weight is... I couldn't really tell him. I'm not sure. Maybe I'll feel healthy at 175, maybe 180, maybe not until 150 or 130. I just don't know. I'm hesitant to declare a number because what if I never make it there or what if I do but know I can go further? Taking a cue from Chris at Deliberate Life... I'll know goal when I look in the mirror and see it.

Hope you are all doing fabulous. It is gorgeous here today. We have windows open and are enjoying a cool morning after so many weeks of sweltering heat! See y'all tomorrow!

Laura:)

Weight Wednesday

2011-08-10T08:02:00.002-05:00

Starting Weight: 243.4

Today's Weight: 235.2

Weekly Loss: -3.8 pounds

Total Loss: -8.2 pounds

Feelings:

I feel good. I'm trying not to place too much importance on the scale. I constantly remind myself as I step on that it is just ONE measurement of success and that the real success comes from the change in my behaviors, the focus in my life not being food, a more active lifestyle, a freedom from the depths of depression I feel when out of control eating.

There will come a week that the scale doesn't move, regardless of my behavior. There will come a time that I have to commit to this lifestyle even if I am not given positive feedback from the scale. I need to be ready for that.

But for now, yay~ 3.8 pounds. The scale is moving the direction I would like and the changes I'm making are having an effect!

Tuesday Two: Tap Dancing and Food

2011-08-09T15:30:00.002-05:00

1) I have a friend who has always wanted to learn to tap dance and is thinking of signing up for a class at the community center! I think this is FABULOUS and BRAVE and WONDERFUL. All rolled up into a fun, healthy activity!! What is something that you have always wanted to do but haven't had the courage to try? Me... I've always wanted to be a runner and I'm working my way towards that goal!

2) We are eating this tonight!

Doesn't it look YUMMY! It is from Skinnytaste. I have found so many good recipes off this website. Last night we did a broiled fish with a garlic and tomato sauce. I've also made her breaded zuchinni, healthy chicken nuggets, and turkey asian meatballs. All wonderful! If you like to cook, definitely a site to check out (I think I might have mentioned her before, but I just love this site and decided it was okay to mention it again)

Happy Tuesday!

Laura

Monday Mumbles: Motherhood

2011-08-08T08:50:00.004-05:00

It was a good weekend. We had friends over and it was fun to sit back, relax, and watch the kids play. My friend and I visited about all the pressure we feel to love motherhood and all that goes along with it. We talked about a friend who is pregnant, who is not enjoying pregnancy, has no pregnancy glow, and is basically DROWNING in guilt because while she is excited to have a baby, she is hating pregnancy.

The mothers out there reading: Do you feel pressure to have nothing but wonderful things to say, think, feel about pregnancy and your children? To glow with nothing but joy and love in regards to motherhood? Do you feel guilt when you have those days that you don't even really like being mom? Do you feel like you can be honest about those feelings or do you hide that motherhood isn't always the best thing in life because of guilt or fear of judgment of others?

My guilt about certain aspects of life (like motherhood and my decidedly lack of love or feeling of failure within that role some days) often leads to my emotional use of food. I try to drown out those feelings by shoving other things in to my body. I drown out the real emotion and instead concentrate on my guilt and shame over food. While this post may seem random on a weight loss blog it has a real connection to my personal struggle with food. My need to be perfect and my inevitable failure to reach that goal leads to guilt which leads to emotional eating.

Now, for an even harder question:

How do I apply this knowledge in life so that I no longer turn to food as an emotional outlet?

I'm still working on the answers to that one!

Have a fabulous Monday

*I hope no one decides that this post means I don't love my children and I don't love being their mother. I just don't always LIKE it or them. That is honesty. It is sad that I feel the need to add a disclaimer to this post out of FEAR that those reading will judge me as an unfit mother because I'm honest that not every day is sunshine and roses.

Strategy Sunday

2011-08-07T19:36:00.004-05:00

What is working for me?

Eating breakfast. Drinking water. Walking in the mornings.

What isn't working for me?

Too much time planning, not enough time doing. I surf the web, I make lists, I plan, plan, plan, and PLAN some more! It is a little ridiculous the amount of time thinking about what I can do to make life better. I need to start doing a little bit more and stop dwelling on the "what might be" possibles.

My new obsession: Pinterest. It is wonderful that it allows me to collect ideas, thoughts, recipes, etc. But, I'm trying to make sure I don't get so caught up in the planning of what life could be, that I don't do anything. So, this weekend, I tried to take several of the ideas I've collected and turn them into a reality. For example, I saw this menu board which is adorable.

This is my interpretation:

You can see my plan for the week's menu. Plans can be a good thing, but the most important thing right now for me is to make sure I am following through with life!

So, what is working for you and what isn't? Let me know in the comments about life and your plans!

Have a fabulous start to your week!

Laura :)

Saturday Songs

2011-08-06T22:56:00.002-05:00

This song I stumbled upon last year. It is the hope I have for my life, spiritually and physically. I try and listen to it whenever I am out walking because it helps me to remember why I am on this journey.

Friday Five

2011-08-05T08:57:00.002-05:00

1)I have walked every day today this week... and I plan to do 3 miles in just a little bit! I really think walking in the morning determines a lot of my mood for the day and how I handle food. Starting the day with exercise makes it less likely for me to go overboard later. Or at least that is my theory at the moment.

2) My four year old needs to go to school STAT! We are driving each other crazy being cooped up in this house. It either needs to stop being so gosh darn hot or we need to fast forward to September.

3)I'm trying to finalize things so I can start working again on my Masters in Education in a couple of weeks. A little scary to think about trying to work that in with everything else, but I would really like to finish. I'm also trying to get my son enrolled in soccer and tae kwon doo. Lots going on this fall.

4)I've been very deliberate when making my food choices this week. No mindless eating.

5)I got a DSLR camera. I know nothing about photography, but I'm willing to learn. You might be subjected to a lot of food pictures though while I learn (see below, that was part of my breakfast: Kashi cereal, strawberries, greek vanilla yogurt).

Have a fabulous weekend

Thin Thursday

2011-08-04T08:33:00.002-05:00

What is going to help me lose weight? Being accurate with my portion sizes. So, I have this little handy dandy thing:

I'm going to reward myself when I complete the 1/2 marathon in October. I got a tattoo last summer on my foot. Here it is(excuse the toes that badly need to be manicure):

I'm going to get another tattoo after October 22. It will be the second foot print and will also have some words. The bible verse Isaiah 40:31 is my inspiration right now and I might have some key words from the phrase added around the two foot prints. Or maybe just the verse... I haven't quite figure that out yet.

Why am I doing this? To glorify God who strengthens me. To fulfill the plans He has for me. For myself, because I'm worth the effort. For this little one, because I grew up with an obese mom and I don't want to do that to her.

Weight Wednesday

2011-08-03T08:31:00.002-05:00

Starting Weight: 243.4

Today's Weight: 239

Weekly Loss: -4.4 pounds

Total Loss: -4.4 pounds

Feelings:

My relationship with the scale is so funny. I will hop on and off three or four times looking to see if a different weight will appear. I'm a little ridiculous about it.

I'm glad I'm down 4.4 pounds BUT I'm having a hard time not bemoaning the fact that just 2 short months ago I was at 220. It is hard to celebrate a loss when I am just re-losing weight. Does that make crazy sense?

But, I'm going to try to concentrate on the good. The scale has stopped going UP. Which for weeks that is all it was doing. I'm focused on my health. I'm exercising. I'm not ignoring the damage that can be done when I abandon all good sense and just eat whatever I want in massive quantities. I'm dealing with life through prayer and love. I haven't binge eaten in over a week.

I'm eating breakfast right now. Something I am making myself do everyday, it helps with the binge eating. I'm drinking my coffee. I'm looking forward to a great day that includes a Walk Away The Pounds video. I'm thinking the three mile dvd, it will be good to sweat! Hope your Wednesday is fabulous!!!!

Laura:)

Tuesday Two

2011-08-02T08:42:00.003-05:00

1) Adoring Alliteration

I become quite silly when thinking about titles for my blog posts. I sometimes even struggle to blog just for fear of how to start. The early childhood teacher in me LOVES alliteration. Silly, I know. But, I've decided my silly little titles (Monday Mumbles, Tuesday Two, Weight Wednesday, Thin Thursday, Five for Friday, Saturday Songs, Strategy Sunday) will help me to blog every day which I think is very important for me on this journey. If I have something profound to say that falls outside of the lines of my dorky little alliterations, that is fine, this is just a place for me to start each day.

Monday Mumbles - Bits and pieces of life.

Tuesday Two - Two thoughts.

Weight Wednesday - Weigh In Day... I have to be accountable for my actions.

Thin Thursday - Habits I'm working on to encourage weight loss.

Five for Friday - Five things that happened over the course of the week.

Saturday Songs - The music in my life that is touching my heart and why.

Strategy Sunday - My plan for tackling the week!

A little dorky, I know. But I think it will help keep me regularly blogging.

2)Have you seen this blog post?

Pick Your Battles

The blogger is a little crude (so if you are sensitive to language you might not enjoy it) but I seriously almost wet my pants I laughed so hard!!!

Then there is this post by Chris at Deliberate Life:

Single Minded Determination

There is a line in her post:

"As for goal...I will know it when I see it...

and I haven't seen it yet.
When I look in the mirror and like what I see, I will step on a scale and tell you my 'goal weight.'"

Oh my goodness. That line. It has rocked my world. I don't know why but the idea of liking what you see and letting that determine your goal. WOW! Not being stuck on a specific number as your determination of success?! My mind is still trying to wrap itself around that idea. Not to mention all the other fabulousness that she has to say in this post (and all her other posts. Seriously, if you aren't following Chris, you should be!)

Monday Mumbles

2011-08-01T08:27:00.003-05:00

-It was a decent weekend here at our little house. I got out and went to see a movie with a girlfriend. It was nice to have a few hours away from kiddos, but I was glad to get back home.

-I haven't binged in 6 days.

-I walked 2 miles this morning. It was 6am and still HOT HOT HOT!!!!

-I signed up to do a 5k on the 13th.

-I signed up to do a 15k on the 24th of September

-I'm going to sign up to complete a 1/2 marathon in October.

-I don't have any grand illusions about running the 1/2 marathon. But I do plan on walking it at a very brisk pace of 14 min miles.

-I'm working on decluttering the house today. I'm feeling very over-full in our little 800 sq foot home. So, I'm slowly working my way through stuff and getting rid of those things that we haven't even touched in over a year.

-My husband and I had a very good discussion last night about weight and what all psychologically goes into me being 240 pounds. Hard for him to comprehend but it was good for us to discuss it.

-Hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!!!

2 days...

2011-07-28T08:20:00.003-05:00

I've gone 2 days without binge eating... I've overeaten and eaten crap at meal times, but I haven't had a binge. This is my purpose right now. Overcoming my binge eating obstacle.

I will build on these two days.

I won't lose weight this way. But I will become a healthier person on the inside if I can conquer this mountain. I think right now, that is more important than that number on the scale.

I've put my scale away for now. I'll pull it back out when I have fixed this very internal struggle. If I can move past binge eating and truly begin leaning on God, family, friends instead of food when life is difficult... then, and only then can I really move on to losing weight. If I can't get past the binge, I won't ever find true success on this journey.

So, 2 days with no binge... tomorrow will make 3.

Laura

My Weakness

2011-07-26T08:44:00.004-05:00

What is my weakness? What causes my life to feel so out of control?

It is rooted in my use of food. Food isn't just a nutritional tool, it is an emotional tool. But, my weakness is not that I use food as an emotional tool, it is that I am ashamed by this use. My weakness in life is not food, it is SHAME.

I eat certain foods to help me cope with life and then I am so filled with shame that I eat more and more and more trying to fill up my spirit with something other than this shame. The worst part: my shame is there for the entire world to see. My weakness is displayed prominently in the roundness of my belly, the flabbiness of my thighs, the three chins I have when my neck is angled unattractively.

My shame is being shouted out to the world to witness. "Hey World, my weakness in life is swallowing me whole right now!" The evidence is in the way my jeans fit, the tightness of my shirts, the uncomfortable breathing after walking up a flight of stairs. The public viewing of my failings as a person is compounding my shame and magnifying it till is feels insurmountable.

This feeling of uncontrolled shame is destroying my life slowly and the destruction happens every time I put another pound on my already unhealthy frame. How do I climb a wall the feels unclimbable? How do I move a mountain that seems immovable? I have to let go of my shame. I have to forgive myself for my use of food and I have to heal my broken spirit.

My weakness is my shame.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:9a

Dear Lord, thank You for Your strong grace when my circumstances look bleak. In my weakness, I cry out in utter dependence on You. Make Your power known to me. Be my hope, my peace and strength. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Source of prayer: Perfect Weakness

Stops and Starts

2011-07-25T17:45:00.002-05:00

I am having such trouble getting anything started and maintained in the way of my health. I have gained 18 pounds in the last 2 months because of my absolute gluttony and lack of motivation to change my ways!

How to change this I am not sure.... it takes a degree of motivation and will that I am just lacking right now. I keep telling myself to take baby steps... stopping binge eating would be a huge goal right now. I'm just not doing it. No excuse other than I'm choosing to remain the same instead of working to really make a difference in my life.

How do I get out of this hole? How do I change when there is no desire or motivation?

This picture should be motivation enough. This is me on the beach last week. Why is the fact that I look this way not helping propel me out of this place?!?!

First Step

2011-06-22T09:41:00.002-05:00

The first step I have to accomplish is no binges. This is the part of my weight loss battle that I have to overcome if I am going to achieve true success. I was going to to participate in Josie's 30 day challenge and this was my goal. Then life blew up... my former friend and her confrontation threw me for a loop, then I lost a beautiful 15 year old former student to a tragic (and entirely preventable) car accident, then a friend's husband died tragically and she is 33 weeks pregnant with their first child. All this sadness just wrapped itself around life and I have been trying to eat my way out of it. My coping mechanism for life has got to change...

I go to the beach with family on July 16th... my goal is to make it to that date with no binges. I'm not going to record food for now, I'm not going to count calories, I'm not going to work at losing weight. The only thing I am concentrating on is that I have 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. I don't eat and eat and eat AND EAT for hours on end... which is sort of what I have been doing. It has been ridiculous. I was eating things just to eat... not even because I particularly liked them.

So, that is my first step. 3 meals, 2 snacks... no more, no less (that means no skipping breakfast and having lunch and then having ANOTHER lunch type meal and calling it okay because I didn't eat breakfast... yes, I do that).

So, there is a confession and a plan all wrapped up into one. I know it seems like a small step, but for me it is the BIGGEST step of all.... 3 meals, 2 snacks.... I can do this.

Laura :)

Days without binges: 0

Time Away

2011-06-20T09:31:00.002-05:00

Hi all! The kiddos and I went to spend about 10 days with the grandparents... hence the lack of blogging. The time away was much needed and we all had a wonderful time. That said, I am really glad to be back home.

I'm planning on a detailed update soon, I just wanted to let all you out there know I hadn't fallen off the edge of the earth. Hope you all are fabulous!!!!

Laura :)

Hurt

2011-06-03T09:05:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I had what I consider one of the most hurtful experiences of my life.

A friend who I thought was closer to family had been avoiding me. I emailed and asked if I just needed to take a hint and realize our friendship was over. Instead of just replying that yes, she no longer wanted to be my friend, she had me meet with her.

She then preceded to read from a paper she had written (and highlighted) all the ways that I was a horrible, awful person who had caused her nothing but pain the last 13 years of our lives.

It was hurtful.

It was humiliating.

It was unnecessary and plain cruel for this woman to do to me.

I can recognize the untruthfulness and skewed perception of reality in the majority of her statements. I can see that she is struggling in life and rather than accept responsibility for her choices she has decided to make me the cause of all that is wrong. I have been told countless times that this woman was a toxic person in my life and I was better to not have her a part of it.

But, no matter if what she said was true or not. No matter if she is right about me or not. It still hurt. It hurt deep.

To tell you the truth, blog readers, I'm struggling. I'm struggling to put this in a slot and tuck it away. I'm struggling to not let her get in my mind and make me think that I am the person she made me out to be yesterday. I'm hurt and I don't know what to do with the pain.

If you are a praying person, please pray for me. Pray that I am able to see past this pain. Pray that I am able to move on and forgive this woman for the hateful thing she has done. Pray that I am able to see God's image of me, and not her image of me. Just pray.

Challenging Myself

2011-06-01T09:08:00.003-05:00

My biggest problem: Binges.

So, I'm joining a challenge in June and my goal is 30 days with no binges. This is a big battle in my life. If I can overcome this and start turning to God, family, friends instead of food when I am overwhelmed/emotional, then I might start to see some real progress!

I have lots to say, especially to a few who have made some very thoughtful and thought provoking comments. But, 4 week old + 4 year old = busy mommy!!! I'm really starting to feel a little overwhelmed here with all there is to do, but we are doing great. Just little time for much else. So, hopefully in the next day or two I will carve out some time and express myself a little more fully here on the blog!

Pop over to Josie's blog if you want to join the challenge!

Binge Cycle

2011-05-25T10:54:00.001-05:00

So, the biggest answer to "How did I get so fat?" is BINGES.

I don't eat that unhealthy on a regular, day to day basis. I don't always make the best choices, but I usually eat moderate, normal size portions.

BUT, when things get emotional or overwhelming for me, my crutch in life is to binge. I will eat my pantry bare in the middle of the day for various reasons: I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed, I don't feel good, I'm sad...... the list goes on and on.

On Tuesday, I had several emotional responses to life and the result was that I ate my way through the day. Then I did it again on Wednesday. AND again on Thursday.

This is why I am fat. This is why I struggle to lose weight and maintain any loss.

This is the mountain I have to climb before I can expect to have any long term success at being healthy. I have to learn to not only recognize the triggers to a binge, but learn how to overcome and replace the binge with another habit. I have to learn how to prevent the binge from ever starting, because once it starts... man, I struggle to stop. 3 days. that is how long this last binge lasted. THREE DAYS!!! That is incredibly awful to write and to think about it.

I can overcome this. I will overcome this. I HAVE TO OVERCOME THIS!

Do you struggle with binge eating? Is it something you have been able to overcome? If you have successfully learned to control binge eating, how'd you do it?

Life is bigger than my last binge. I have been experiencing wonderful things and I refuse to let the binge bring it all crashing down.

BUT

It is something I have to deal with. I don't think I can move forward in my journey without learning to eliminate binge eating.

Peace....

2011-05-23T13:02:00.003-05:00

So, I have been doing wonderfully at life.

I know that seems like an odd, slightly egotistical statement but it is the way I feel right now.

My life is exactly what I want right now. I gave birth to this beautiful creature and brought her home and now my life feels complete. I am more involved in life than I probably have been for years. I am feeling like my life is exactly what it is suppose to be. Even when my home is crazy and I have a four year old and a 3 week old hollering and screaming, I feel at peace.

I feel like I need to acknowledge this place I am in and give thanks to God for these feelings that have surrounded my heart and soul lately.

Am I still fat? Yes.

Do I still have moments where I wish things were slightly better/different/etc? Yes.

But, on the whole I am at peace.

How do I maintain this feeling? Is there something I should do? Or do I just enjoy these precious moments for what they are?

Is there something that you are waiting for in your life? Are you waiting for a specific thing to happen in order to be happy in life?

I always thought I would have to achieve something specific (like weight loss) in order to feel so at home in my life. It turns out, I just had to settle in and embrace who I am at this moment.

Plan for Success

2011-05-21T20:50:00.002-05:00

Thanks for your comments... it was interesting to see your opinion on plan vs. no plan.

So, I believe intuitive eating can work... for some. But, I think for myself to have any real success I will need to have a plan. I refuse to spend more money on "dieting". I feel like I have almost dieted myself to death over the last 15 years. I also feel like I know what works and what will help me lose weight, I just willfully make a different choice on most days of my life. So, I have built a plan that I think will lead to the results I want.

So, this is my plan for success.

Cardio:

Walk Away the Pound Video (2 mile walk) and a walk with the kiddos (length varying) on Monday/Wednesday/Friday

Couch to 5 K on Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday

(after completing the c25k, my plan is to start training for a half marathon)

Rest on Sunday

Other Exercise:

Monday - Saturday

100 crunches

30 wall push ups

20 lunges

10 squats

Food Plan:

1400 calories

100 ounces of water

2 uncounted meals a month

This is a do-able plan. I feel like these are all things that will lead to me having success with weight loss. I feel like this is a plan that I can handle while juggling two kids, graduate school, and a husband :)

I am using "My Fitness Pal" on my iphone to track my calories.

For now my only weight goal is to get under 200 pounds. After that point, I will make a new goal but for me, I think this needs to be taken in increments. 23 pounds is an amount I can wrap my head around and honestly, I haven't been under 200 pounds in almost 9 years. This would be a major accomplishment.

Hope y'all are having a great weekend. Today is my 11 year wedding anniversary. Didn't do much, just congratulated ourselves on making it 11 years and still being in love. We also celebrated the fact that the world didn't end, but I guess there are still 3 hours left in the day, so we will see what happens!

Laura :)

Informal Poll

2011-05-19T14:05:00.002-05:00

What do you think works best?

-intuitive eating.

-working a weight loss plan

If you think a weight loss plan is needed for your food, what plan do you think works "best"?

Just seeking opinions. I'll tell you my plan later but for now I just want to know what you think!

Laura :)

Breastfeeding Woes

2011-05-18T17:13:00.002-05:00

Breastfeeding has been a dismal failure here at our house.

Which sucks.

It just feels like my body failed me.

There is a long saga to it, but the long and the short of it is this:

I did everything humanly possible to make milk and it just wasn't happening.

So, I'm officially done with breastfeeding. Which upsets me but I can look in the mirror and know with complete confidence that I gave it my all.

That is all I can ask of myself. So, the pump has been put away and life is moving on. I'm going to give myself another week to let life settle and then I am officially back at this weight loss game.

I'm already back into my pre-pregnancy clothes though... so that is a win!

Hope y'all are doing fabulous! I'm going to go cuddle with my babe!

Laura

PS: Hi to new followers and/or commenters. Love to hear from my readers and love knowing that I'm not alone in this motherhood/weight loss game!

New Beginning

2011-05-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

So, tomorrow marks two weeks since having baby girl. I'm tired but overjoyed. She is such a doll baby and has just added countless hours of love and happiness to our life. The mini tornado is adjusting fairly well. He has had a few moments, but so far so good.

If you noticed the pregnancy ticker has been removed and replaced with the weight loss ticker. I posted my previous start weight, 254... I have a feeling I was up somewhere around that before giving birth :) I wanted to have a start weight that acknowledged my progress on this journey so far.

I'm trying to be mindful of my food choices right now while still cutting myself some slack. Breastfeeding has sucked so far... lazy eater, low supply, blah blah blah blah. So, I'm pumping and supplementing with formula. My supply is pretty much crap, so I don't know how long I will keep pumping but I figure something is better than nothing!

I'm not sure what my plan is exactly on the weight loss front. But I'm not even two weeks out from little one's birthday, so I figure I can take a little longer to decide. I do know that I will be walking/running. Hopefully soon. I walked about a mile on mother's day and my body felt it down below :) So, I'm trying to not to tackle too much too soon!

Anyways, just wanted to update the blog and start to refocus myself on this journey to a fit life!!!

Laura :)

Baby Love

2011-05-05T18:54:00.003-05:00

I had my sweet baby girl on April 29th. We are home. Happy and healthy. Trying to give breastfeeding a real shot which leaves limited time at the moment. Here is a pic of my baby at 4 days old!

Inching Closer and Closer

2011-04-13T10:57:00.003-05:00

I am now 37 weeks! WHOO HOO! And supposedly 1 cm dilated but that means very little in the land of Laura who walked around at 3 cm for almost 4 weeks with her first baby!

I have loved being pregnant and hated it all at the same time. Now, I'm just ready for it to be over and to meet my baby girl!

I had an ultrasound yesterday to check the little one's size. My first child, my precious boy tornado, was a whooping 10.2 pounds and 22 inches. Basically, a 3 month old. I have been super nervous that I was going to have an even bigger baby, because most people tell you "They only get bigger".

Well, as of yesterday, little miss was only 6.5 pounds, so she should be between 8 - 9 pounds at birth! I am so excited to not be facing the trauma that was the birth experience with my son. He was healthy, but I was in labor for 36 hours, pushed for close to three hours, tore every which possible way you can tear when delivering a baby, and he broke his little clavicle coming out. Basically, it sucked. This has been weighing (pun unintended) on my mind since I became pregnant. So, yesterday was a great day! Plus I got to see my little girl kicking and wiggling.

Baby posts are probably a little boring, but I just had to share. Now, thanks to my pregnancy my fingers are going numb as I type this so that is all I'm going to say for now! Hope you are all fabulous!

Baby Check: Almost 36 weeks

2011-04-05T12:22:00.002-05:00

Had a doctor's appointment today. Baby girl is doing great. She is measuring right on schedule and seems pretty content to hang out for a few more weeks. Had my first cervix check and was closed up tight, which I was glad to hear. I'm not quite ready to meet her yet!!

I'm so glad baby girl is measuring average right now. My first kiddo was 10.2 pounds and 22 inches... basically a 3 month old. We have been worried about this one's size from the beginning, because as I told my doctor, I have no interest in birthing a 12 pound baby!!

I had my 5k walk this weekend. I completed it in 52 minutes, which is only about 10 minutes off of my non-pregnant time. There was a little old woman (complete with purple grandma sweater and a limp) that I walked by most of the time. Towards the end I sped up my pace because I was determined to NOT finish behind her :) :) :)

Feeling a Lack

2011-03-30T09:13:00.002-05:00

I've been trying to think of what to write in this space. I have to say, I've been feeling a total lack of motivation to share on my blog. What is there to share?

I'm 35 weeks pregnant. I'm in love with my life but so ready to NOT be pregnant. I'm getting anxious about the changes our family will soon undergo. I'm so excited to meet the new little doll baby in our life! I'm tired. I can't sleep. I'm hungry. Nothing tastes good.

I'm just full of contradictions and have absolutely nothing to say about weight loss/gain.

So that equals lack of motivation to post. I just feel like this space is unusable at the moment.

But, I decided to post anyway. So, that y'all know I'm alive. I'm still pregnant. I still feel really fat but have accepted that isn't changing for awhile.

I'm walking another 5k this weekend. The one a few weekends ago was extremely hard on my body but I felt so good afterwards. This one should be a fun 5k. There are almost 7,000 participants. I always enjoy a big crowd.

I hope you are all doing wonderful. I can't wait to be back posting regularly in a few weeks and sharing my tale of shedding baby weight and more!!!

Rough Few Days

2011-03-15T16:10:00.002-05:00

We have had a rough few days in my house. My son's parent teacher conferences were stressful beyond belief and left us feeling like we were somehow failing as parents and that our child needs real help. After taking a few deep breaths we realized things weren't as dire as they seem, but it still had us very emotional.

The good part: I didn't once turn to food for comfort. I have been having an overwhelming amount of anxiety about all of this and I turned to my husband, my mom, and God for support.

I have to say, that is something new and interesting in my life. There were times when I really wanted the comfort of fried food and soda, but I was able to turn that around and find true genuine comfort in those who love me.

I can't say that I will always remember that food doesn't offer me real security when life gets hard, but I'm hoping that I can look back on this time and see that there is REAL support in my life if I choose to open myself to it.

Hope you all are doing fabulous. 33 weeks tomorrow, just 7 more weeks till I meet our newest little joy!!!

Laura

Wordless Wednesday: 32 Weeks

2011-03-09T11:13:00.002-06:00

Monday Mumbles

2011-03-07T08:25:00.004-06:00

*I tried to come up with a good title for this post. That was as good as I could do, which really isn't all that great!

*I don't feel like writing in paragraph form, so welcome to the bullet points!

*I didn't walk yesterday. But I did scrub the grout on my kitchen floor with a toothbrush... which took HOURS!!!

*We had dinner with some friends last night, they are contemplating parenthood. We talked about how wonderful it is and it just made me even more excited to welcome the bean to our world!

*My 4 year old is having bm issues... again. It is the bane of my existence at the moment. I love him, but I sure wish he would get past his fear of the potty.

*I am staring at a pile of dirty dishes in my sink, I can literally see it from where I sit typing. They are taunting me. I suppose I should do them.

*It is only suppose to be in the 40's today. I'm so ready for spring and summer it isn't even funny!

*That's all I got in me this morning. Nothing earth shattering, just life proceeding here at our little home!

*Now, I guess I really should do the dishes!

Laura:)

5k Recap and Other Thoughts

2011-03-06T09:52:00.002-06:00

I walked my 5k on Saturday. Well, I probably more waddled than walk but I did it, which is something I'm happy about. I was super sore all of yesterday though. I definitely need to get walking outside more before the next one in April. Walking 3 miles inside is a completely different workout than walking 3 miles outside!!

I'm still fighting off my mood. I'm just in a "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms" frame of mind. I'm over analyzing every interaction I'm having with people right now and always coming to a negative conclusion. It is a very unhealthy way to operate. The 5k helped alleviate some of the need to just crawl into bed and disappear for the next few days but my overall attitude is still pretty negative. I'm praying praying praying for some peace to come into my heart. That is what I need more than anything right now: peace. But, a lot of that has to do with me accepting God's grace in the form He provides and not continuing to look for other ways to satisfy that need.

I hope you all are having a fabulous Sunday. I'm hoping to get outside and walk some... partly for physical reasons and partly for mental reasons. See y'all later!

Laura

The Mood

2011-03-04T17:20:00.002-06:00

I've talked pretty explicitly about my battles with depression on this blog. It is something I am faced with pretty frequently in my life. Today I have felt "the mood" overtake me.

I've had a terrible attitude all day. Everything has irritated me. I've done nothing productive. If I could, I would curl up in bed and just go to sleep. That is how done with everything I am at the moment.

But, I've got a four year old who needs my attention. I've got a husband who deserves more than that. And, I've got me. I am worth more than that.

So, I'm fighting "the mood". So far, I'm on the losing end. But, I'm hoping that typing this out... recognizing that I know what is going on in my mind today. Maybe, just maybe, that will tip the scales in my favor and I will pull out of "the mood" and be ready to deal with life again....

Baby Check

2011-03-02T09:18:00.002-06:00

I normally don't post pictures but I just have to share a picture of my baby girl. I figure since she is still in my tummy, it doesn't really violate my personal privacy policy:)

Had my doctor's appointment yesterday. Didn't look at the scale. Nobody said "Geez girl, you've got to slow down on the pounds", so I'm figuring all is well. I passed the glucose tolerance test, which is good. I didn't really want to deal with gestational diabetes. Which is funny, because EVERYONE always assumes I have it (or had it with my first). Yes, I'm overweight. Yes, I have big babies (tornado = 10.2 pounds and 22 inches). No, I do not have gestational diabetes. Assumptions are really not a good thing to make. Baby girl is already measuring on the upper end of average. Let's hope she stays there and doesn't jump to above normal size. I got clearance from the doctor to walk my 5k this weekend. Yes, my leg goes numb... there isn't anything I can do, so might as well stay active!

9 more weeks. I'm so excited to meet my girl!!

LOVE(hate)

2011-02-28T09:04:00.002-06:00

I have a total love/hate relationship with Monday mornings. First, I hate that it is morning. NOT a morning person at all... if I could I would sleep till 9am everyday, but unfortunately my alarms (a certain 4 year old tornado and adorable husband) are both morning people and usually want to begin the day at the ungodly hour of 6:30. Also, I hate it because the adorable husband goes back to work after a glorious 2 days of him being home. Me, and the tornado, miss him. But, somebody has to earn a paycheck and I'm certainly not doing that these days!

But, I LOVE Mondays because of the feeling of a blank slate. It feels like the real start to the week and you can begin all those new/healthy habits again. I love blank slates and new starts. The planner in me loves the newness of Monday and my opportunity to begin again. To be THAT person... the person in my mind that I want to be... the healthy, active, organized, perfect fit mama.

In reality though, that blank slate is my savior and my curse. It gives me that hope for the future, the hope that I will finally start living my life. But it also gives me my excuse, my reason for eating crappy and being lazy on Friday... I can always start again on Monday. This pregnancy is kind of like the ultimate blank slate. After I finish carrying this precious cargo, I have the biggest blank slate of all... time to start living life and be that perfect mama.

Am I setting myself up for failure by looking toward this new start? In some ways yes and in some ways no. There are certain activities (training for a half marathon) that I can't start right now, I can only look forward to that blank slate, that new start. But, there are things I can be doing, those healthy habits I'm working on... choosing better for me foods, not indulging in fast food or abundance of sweets. My blank slate doesn't need to be quite as blank as I'm telling myself it can be. Instead, my new start could be built up with the healthy habits I'm learning now, with NO PRESSURE. There is no pressure to see a number falling on the scale, there is no pressure to be fitting into a certain size. There is no pressure to be perfect, because right now there is something greater than myself being cared for and created inside me.

Wow, that is a statement I should really think about: there is no pressure to be perfect. Because, honestly, perfection trips me up every time and it would be good to learn to live my life of imperfection and still feel worthy, loved, and accomplished. I savor my Monday's because I am obsessed with being perfect on this journey... I'm obsessed with the idea that if I am perfect, I will succeed. The truth: every time I try and stuff myself into my perfect little mama box, I break out and fail. Then I restart again on Monday. And eventually my perfect little goals aren't accomplished, my perfect little life shows some wear and tear, my perfect little plan goes up in flames. I feel my imperfectness deep in my heart and feed it with binges, with laziness, with a hopeless attitude. Then I restart again on Monday.

The restart thing: that is great. I need to keep chugging along if I am ever going to see change. The perfect thing, the idea that perfection = success. That has to go. I have to let go of my love of Mondays because it is my love of Mondays that allows me to hate myself on Thursday. It is my love of Mondays that allows me to feed myself the idea of perfection being possible. Yes, it is a new start but I'm never going to be perfect and that blank slate on Monday really isn't that blank.

*This post is really rambling and I'm not sure if it makes a whole lot of sense to anybody else. It started one place (restarting) and took off in a completely different direction (perfection). So, if you made it to the end, I hope it made some sense*

See y'all later ~

Laura

Heaviness

2011-02-27T14:13:00.002-06:00

Heaviness is settling in on my body. I have a little over 9 weeks to go and I am READY now. Of course, I want baby girl to bake a little longer but I am feeling the weight of being pregnant and my body is just uncomfortable.

I walked at the mall with a friend for almost 2 hours yesterday. It was a nice/active time but I definitely was hurting when I got home. By the end of the walk my right leg was completely numb from the hip to the knee and my left toes were numb. It was an uncomfortable feeling but there really isn't anything I can do to stop that from happening.

I plan on walking 3 miles today with my Walk Away the Pounds videos. I'm excited for my 5k next weekend and don't think walking it will be a problem. I see my doctor on Tuesday so I will double check with her that the activity is fine. I'm so excited to be active again and I'm hoping that she doesn't tell me to stop.

Water drinking is going pretty well. I don't know that I'm hitting 8 glasses a day, but I'm definitely drinking a lot more water. All in all, I've been somewhat successful at the 2 new habits I'm trying to incorporate.

The weather is horribly dreary outside (fog, mist, cold) so I have a date with my tv and Leslie to walk:) See y'all later!

Laura

Healthy Habits

2011-02-23T10:40:00.002-06:00

I've been mulling over healthy habits and what I can incorporate into my life now: not 2 months from now when I give birth. This baby should not be used as my ultimate procrastination tool. I shouldn't be losing weight right now, but I also shouldn't be continuing down the path I've been on for most of my life.

So, in that vein. Here are the two healthy habits I am working on. 2 seems like a good number, a do-able number. I'm going to concentrate on these for the next 3 weeks. They say it takes 3 weeks to form a habit... I'm hoping that proves true.

1) Drink 8 glasses of water a day.

2) 30 minutes of daily activity.

Sometimes I feel discouraged because I look back at my blog and see where I have started something (ie. working on new habits), only to not finish and just move onto something else. I've decided to be proud of these moments, because I'm still TRYING. It would be worse if I just gave up blogging all together because I was ashamed of all my false starts and failed attempts. I'm not a failure because I haven't given up. I'm only a failure if I stop trying, and that just isn't going to happen.

See y'all later:)

Laura

Happy Birthday Baby Boy!

2011-02-22T10:35:00.002-06:00

Today is the kiddo's fourth birthday! It seems crazy to me that I not only have a child, but a FOUR year old child... and another on the way!

We have been crazy busy the past week. Trips home to see family and celebrate the child who made us parents. We also had a 3d/4d ultrasound and got a sneak peak at the princess to be. It was a whirlwind trip and we hit our beds hard Sunday night after we returned.

I have been keeping up with walking. I'm doing about 2 miles with the Walk Away the Pounds videos. I just make sure that I don't get too winded by forgoing arm movements and such if I start to breathe real heavy. I don't want to do anything that could be dangerous for me or the little bean that I am growing.

Life is just so busy right now, but it is a good busy. It is a busy that is filled with happiness. I just have to make sure that during that busy I take time to do those things that are good for me: drink water, exercise, try to eat a fruit or vegetable:)

Hope you all are doing wonderful!

Laura:)

2 posts in 1 day!

2011-02-16T17:29:00.002-06:00

Will the world collapse? I'm doing 2 posts in 1 day:)

I had to get this down: I just walked 2 miles. I feel fantastic (even if my left leg is numb from my hip to knee).

Why is it important that I get blog about this? Because I need to remember that exercise makes me feel good. I need to remember that it isn't hard to take 30 minutes of my day and spend it on exercise. I need to remember these feelings so tomorrow when I'm thinking about walking... I will actually do it.

Fitness = Fit Mama = Happy Mama!

Happy Wednesday!

:)Laura

Head in the Sand

2011-02-16T08:53:00.002-06:00

I've officially adopted the head in the sand approach when it comes to my weight gain this pregnancy. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and chose to not look at the scale when I weighed. The nurse giggled and said "Do you not want to know?" I told her I trusted her or my doctor to tell me if there was a problem and we moved on from there. Added to the non-looking at the doctor's office: my home scale officially broke last week. So, I can't accurately weigh myself at home. So.... head in the sand from here on out. After the baby is born I will worry about the number. For now, I'm just worrying about behavior. Big plus on my side of the fat vs thin Laura battle: I've been drinking TONS of water. This isn't something I am normally very good about doing, so Yea me:)

I know my last post was probably mildly concerning and it is probably even more concerning that I'm not really addressing all those thoughts and feelings. So, I'll say this. My plan is after the baby is here to discuss medication/therapy options with my doctor. I don't feel comfortable taking meds right now, but I know it is something that needs to be explored. I'll update that part of my journey when something changes but for now, it is sort of at a standstill.

Anyways, baby girl is doing good. Kicking away and growing. We are having a 3d ultrasound done on Friday, so I'm excited about our sneak peak of our little one. We are also celebrating my son's fourth birthday this weekend. So, lots going on in our household! Hope you all are doing wonderful!!!

:)Laura

Symptom or Cause

2011-02-11T08:41:00.002-06:00

My adorable husband and I had a huge discussion on Wednesday night. It was one of those evenings where we started discussing a topic and ended up talking for hours. It was good for us, life can get in the way so often and we can be sitting on the other side of a month realizing we haven't really talked to each other in weeks.

One topic that was discussed was depression. I have periods of time in life, sometimes several times a month, where I will just shut down. I will disengage from life and it is like a wall goes up between me and the rest of the world. This can last one day or sometimes as long as a week. I have done this ever since I can remember. I do what I need to survive, but I totally cut myself off from everyone and everything as much as possible.

This is not normal. I know this. I have tried for years to combat this depression with exercise, weight loss, prayer. None of it has fully worked. I even tried therapy at one point... which I absolutely hated.

My husband's question to me (and I think it is a valid question):

Is your weight a cause of the depression or a symptom?

Does being fat make me sad? Does it cause me some social anxiety? Yes. But, is it the reason that I feel myself sink down into a depression so deep that I am unable to fully participate in life? No. It is a symptom. It is how I cope with anxiety and depression. It is how I try to deal with the feelings that weigh me down... it isn't the reason I am weighed down. I have always blamed a huge portion of my depression on my weight:

"If I lost weight I would be happier"

"If I was skinnier I wouldn't feel this anxiety"

"If I could control my binges I wouldn't feel this guilt"

These are lies I have been feeding my head and heart with since I started using food to soothe my anguish.

For years I have tried to believe that my depression really wasn't that bad. I would have these feelings of sadness and isolation and I would believe it was something that if I had the strength and determination to handle. I've had people reach out to me over this topic for years, and I have always responded with a polite but firm, "Thank you, but no". I have blogged about this topic and the seriousness in my life, only to push it to the back of my mind once my depression started to ease. I have lifted this topic up in prayer, but always with the caveat of "God, make me strong enough to control my eating and exercising... this will soothe my pain". I put such conditions on the prayers and wasn't praying about the true root of my problem, I was asking God to merely fix a symptom... which means I never really was asking for His will to be done so much as asking Him to do what I wanted.

The reality is that I need help with this part of my life. It isn't normal or healthy for me to disengage from life so fully that my husband and son both feel like I exist behind a huge wall with a big no admittance sign hanging on the front. It isn't normal or healthy to read 4 or 5 books in 2 days because I have left behind my life to read about someone else's. It isn't healthy or normal to ignore phone calls and emails for days because I can't bring myself to leave my self-imposed isolation. I need help, because the reality is that I suffer from depression.

The question now is:

Am I brave enough to truly seek the help I need?

Honestly, I don't know the answer.

Belly Rambles

2011-02-08T19:07:00.003-06:00

Here is my belly a few weeks ago, I would have been around 24 or 25 weeks when this pic was taken.

I can tell I'm pregnant. But, I often feel that to others it probably just looks like fat... or like they aren't sure if it is fat or baby. Last week I had someone ask me for the first time this pregnancy, "when are you due?" I was so glad to be asked this question because it made me feel a little less fat and a little more pregnant. I told my adorable husband that I am starting to feel enormous and he kindly said that I was looking like a picture of "womanly fertility". He's a dork:)

My last pregnancy I was around the same size, but I never felt FAT. It was one of the first times in my life that I just felt beautiful and didn't worry about weight. I have not been able to recapture that feeling during this pregnancy. I don't want to feel this depressed about my size during such a happy time, but I am having a really hard time not focusing on my weight.

In other news... I am now officially not working. The kiddo and I would go to work everyday for a couple of hours at the school I used to teach at. I would work daycare and he would "help" me. For various reasons I had my last day a few weeks ago. This is the first time in many, many, many years that I have not been working and the first time in our whole marriage that I haven't been contributing monetarily to our life. It is a weird feeling. One that I'm not wholly comfortable with yet. I know that the "job" I am performing by staying at home with the kiddo and princess to be is an important one. But I am not fitting well into this new place yet. I'm hoping that a few months from now I will feel differently and have made peace with this decision.

I signed up to walk a 5k on April 2nd with some girlfriends. I will be almost to the popping point of pregnancy but I think it is a doable event that will be fun. My plan is to make the Walk Away the Pounds videos my best friend the next few weeks. Hopefully increasing activity will make labor a little easier and make getting back into shape after delivery a little more do-able.

This was quite a bunch of rambles! I hope y'all are still out there and reading. I hope to be a little more consistent about blogging and commenting on your blogs. I know I always appreciate the support I receive and I would like to return that favor!

See y'all soon!

Laura :)

3 + 1 Thoughts for 31

2011-01-31T08:57:00.004-06:00

Hi All,

I disappeared, I know.

There are reasons.

I don't want to talk about them just yet (maybe never).

I'm still here and still chugging along. I'm feeling better than any other point in my pregnancy, which is great. I'm entering into my 3rd trimester. WOW. This is just flying by. I've started avoiding the scale. I'm inching up close to what my highest weight was the summer off 2009. It is very hard to see that number come closer and closer.

Anyways, my birthday was on Saturday. I turned 31. 31 is kind of a gross age to be. Just feels old. Older than I think I should be :)

Here are my 3 + 1 Thoughts for 31 (otherwise known as 4 Thoughts).

1) I'm not defined by a number on the scale BUT that number is important. It is important for me to be below a certain weight because if I'm not, I'm not healthy. It is as simple as that. When the number on the scale translates to obese, I'm not healthy. So, it is one measurement of health that is needed but shouldn't be the only measurement of success.

2)Planning only gets me so far. I can plan till the cows come home and still be the size of a cow at the end of the day because that is ALL I do. At some point, action has to start or all the planning is worthless.

3) I am determining my quality of life. I can either make choices that give me a better quality of life or I can be unhappy living in the status quo.

4) God's presence is in my life. I can choose to acknowledge Him, thank Him, and rely on Him or I can choose to isolate myself in my ego. God is good all the time and I need to recognize the blessings His guiding love has placed in my life and truly believe that with Him, all things are possible.

Fat Day 17

2011-01-18T14:16:00.002-06:00

Food:
coffee with ff creamer and sugar
banana
blueberry nutrigrain eggo
apple sacue
nachos with ground beef
special k with milk
apple
thin mint cookies
water

Activity:
15 minutes of dancing with the kiddo

Thoughts:
Had a doctor's appointment this morning. I'm having to start watching my sodium intake because my arms are going numb at night. No fun. Everything is looking good with the baby. I have one more 4 week appointment then I start the every 2 weeks. Crazy to think that I am already getting that far along!

In other news, it is snowing again. I'm kind of done with winter. But, I guess I need to be ready to endure another 8 - 10 weeks of this junk.

Hope you are all fabulous!

Laura

Fat Day 14, 15, and 16

2011-01-17T08:38:00.002-06:00

Food:
I took the weekend off from tracking

Activity:
not much

Thoughts:
I needed a break from tracking. That is sad since I've only been tracking for two weeks, but I could feel myself becoming irritated with writing down my food. I knew it was time for a break or I was going to just stop all together. I didn't go crazy with food this weekend, I just didn't make a note of what all I ate. I'm back to tracking this morning and will have a food account up tomorrow.

This week my biggest goal is to stick to a routine. I hesitate to say schedule because schedules constantly have to be re-worked because life gets in the way. But a routine is a general outline that can help guide my days and make me more productive in all around. These are the components of my routine:

Morning:
Breakfast and Computer Time
Get dressed/shower (when you stay at home, this unfortunately has a habit of becoming optional)
Activity with the Kiddo
2 chores

Afternoon:
Lunch at the table
Dedicated physical activity
1 chore

Evening:
Dinner at the table
1 chore
prayer/bible study
night time body care (don't just fall into bed, take care of myself)
In Bed before 11:30

These might seem like really non-specific, somewhat silly things to have to work into a routine. But, if I let myself, I can waste a whole day and do nothing. These are general... but I think if I stick with these guidelines I would really see an improvement in my general quality of life.

Hope you all had a fabulous weekend. My adorable husband is off work today, so I'm going to spend the day wit him and the kiddo!

Laura

Fat Day 13

2011-01-14T09:35:00.002-06:00

Food:

coffee with 2% milk and splenda

sausage biscuit and hash

2 eggs, fried potatoes, 2 biscuits and jam

1 cup chili mac made with lean ground turkey

water

orange juice

Activity:

I did a lot of shopping ;)

Thoughts:

I have a confession. I have a horrible blog reading habit. A few months ago I became an avid reader of blogs of women who have tragically lost their children in infancy due to CHD. I had a friend(not close, but still a friend) who suffered this tragedy and her pain led me to search out others who have faced this unthinkable situation. I read these blogs obsessively. They are heartbreaking. I cannot even being to imagine. My husband HATES this habit of mine. I cannot put into words why I have become so invested in these women's lives and he truly believes it is an unhealthy habit. I can't really argue with him. These blogs drain me. I read them, I cry and I become depressed. I'm a silent witness to their pain. I don't understand this habit and I know that it is one that I probably should break, but I long to read the day when these women start to triumph over the grief and loss they have experienced. I can't help but continue to read their words describing an indescribable heart break, waiting to see that ray of hope and testimony to God's enduring love start to shine again in their lives.

So, that's my random confession. What is something you do that you know probably isn't very healthy? It can be food/exercise related or it can be something completely out in left field, like my blog reading habit.

Laura

FAT Day 12

2011-01-13T09:34:00.003-06:00

Food:

This, that and the other

Activity:

nothing dedicated, however the kiddo, adorable husband and I all busted a move for about 15 minutes... that certainly got me going!

Thoughts:

I know my food journal is a joke today. I'm sitting here trying to remember what all I ate yesterday and it is just not happening. It wouldn't be accurate... which is kind of sad. So, I just decided to forgo.

Weight news: I haven't gained or loss since starting weight watchers... which is what i wanted. It wouldn't be healthy for me to lose, it would cause concern and worry among family and doctors. But, I really really really did not want to keep gaining at the rate I was. I didn't want to start working on losing in May at a much higher number because I lost control during my pregnancy. So, to date, I have gained about 17 pounds during this pregnancy. I don't think that is too bad for being 24 weeks. It could be better, it could be worse. I'm hoping to top off around 25 pounds gained total but we shall see. I'm not going to stress, but I am going to monitor it. Burying my head in the sand about my weight is what got me trouble to begin with!

When you go off plan, when you start to lose control again, do you keep track of the damage you are doing? Or, do you bury your head in the sand till your ready to face the consequences of too much food and not enough movement??

See y'all later!

Laura

Fat Day 11

2011-01-12T07:33:00.002-06:00

Food:

coffee with ff creamer and splenda

2 nutrigrain waffles with brummel and brown

2 hot dogs w/ ketchup (ff and no buns)

3 chicken nuggets

banana

chips and salsa

apple sauce

pear

Activity:

no dedicated activity, but I did lots of housework

Thoughts:

I got to the end of the day yesterday and realized that I had a ton of points left. Like almost 1/2 of what is allotted to me. It was almost 9pm when I realized this.

I was faced with the question of "Do I eat those points or not?" I wasn't particularly hungry. It was late and I don't like to eat late, especially now because I will get terrible heartburn. I chose not to eat. My body didn't feel like I needed it, so I just let those points go.

That is one of my biggest concerns when doing weight watchers. You are given these points and often I will eat even if I'm not hungry just because I have the points. If I'm not hungry, should I eat even if there are points? Or, I will start a binge, mentally racking up my points and when I hit my limit, I'll just stop eating for the day. I let myself engage in a wildly unhealthy behavior by working the system. I know these aren't necessarily problems with weight watchers, mostly just problems with myself...

but still, do you eat when you have the points (or calories) even if you aren't hungry?

FAT Day 10

2011-01-11T09:13:00.003-06:00

Food:

banana

coffee with ff creamer and sugar

4 nutrigrain eggos with brummel and brown

Lean Cuisine Salsbury Steak

8 Nilla Wafers

2 pieces of pizza (Digorno)

cup of hot chocolate

1/2 apple

Activity:

nothing

Thoughts:

Snow days are terrible. Snow days with a sick 3 year old are even worse. Luckily he is feeling better today, so I'm hoping both he and I will have a much better attitude about being stuck inside.

I've been working on routine in my life. Part of my obesity is definitely related to laziness and lack of routine. I become weighted down and my life and just trudge through doing the bare minimum. So, I've created little routines or schedules for myself throughout the day to make sure that I am participating in life, not just sliding through it.

These little things that I am doing really aren't anything big, but I can see the difference that it makes in my life. The first 10 days of the new year and I have only had 1 day were I didn't complete my little tasks... and you know what? The day I reverted back to old me was the day that was my most depressed.

Routines matter. Taking care of yourself in little ways matter, even when you don't feel like it. These littles tasks are important in the grand scale of changing my life. They are little changes that in the end will make a big difference. Not necessarily in my weight, but definitely in my quality of life.

See y'all later!

Laura

Fat Day 9 Redo

2011-01-10T10:06:00.002-06:00

Food:

Coffee with fat free creamer and sugar

banana

Thai Peanut Noodles (lean cuisine)

hot dog

vanilla wafers

baked tostitos and waffles

water

Activity:

nothing

Thoughts:

I realized I skipped a day. So, this is my day yesterday and I'm hopeful that I will make it back here tonight to record Day 10. If not today, then tomorrow morning. It is snowing and I have a sick little boy. So not much going on around here today, just trying to pay attention to my baby boy and make him feel a little better.

See y'all later!

Laura

Fat Day 9

2011-01-09T10:01:00.002-06:00

Food:

Long John Donut Creme Filled

3 donut holes

2 cups coffee

apple sauce

1 bowl black eyed pea gumbo

Baked Tostitos and Salsa

Vanilla Wafers

Sloppy Joe on Whole wheat bun (made with lean beef)

Activity:

nada

Thoughts:

"I go back and forth about getting ready for our baby girl. Part of me feels like we have all the time in the world to prepare for her arrival. Part of me feels like we need to get things done now because May will be here in the blink of an eye.

I went through all of the kiddo's baby stuff. This brought supreme emotional turmoil. I am so excited for our baby girl's arrival. I'm excited for the love and joy she will bring into our little family. But, I am hit daily with the growth of my son; never more so than when going through his old baby clothes. He was at one time the baby kicking and squirming in my belly. He was the baby we were dreaming of and anticipating the impending arrival. Now he is an almost four year old who is delightful but becoming oh so grown up.

Looking at the clothes we brought him home from the hospital in created such an ache in my heart. I realized how quickly time is passing and wished for a moment I could hit pause and stay at this place forever.

I know this is an impossible wish, but I also know it is one all mother's experience when they look at their babies and see the adult that they will soon be. Is it melodramatic? Absolutely. But knowing that I'm being overly emotional and slightly irrational doesn't take away the sadness.

I love the boy our kiddo is, but there are times I long for the baby he was. Soon, baby girl will be here and I cannot wait to savior those precious moments with her. I've learned all to well, that as cliche as it sounds, it will pass all too quickly."

These are the words I had on my family blog. I felt the need to share those words here because the thought of time is weighing heavily on my mind.

My kiddo is almost 4. He has a real awareness of who his mama is. During these 4 years he has been witness to my life. If he could describe who I am, would I be proud of the words he would chose? What have I done during these 4 years to be a good mama? Plenty. I love him, I care for him, I make sure he knows how treasured he is. But, what have else have I done.

I've been lazy. Too tired and frumpy to play outside and run around with him.

I've been a glutton. Often eating meals that are large and unhealthy in front of him.

I've been negative. Wallowing in my own self doubt and depression and not fully taking part in his joy and love.

I haven't been those things all the time. I don't know that those are the things he will remember most. But, I do know those are things I wish he didn't have to remember at all.

So, the question becomes, what am I going to do to change that? Time will pass. He will grow older. Baby girl will arrive and become the second little one to witness my life. What do I want my children to remember?

I would hit pause on their lives and treasure their infancy for a little while longer, but would I be happy to hit pause on my life? Would I be happy with the life I am living right now?

Time passes. I need to decide what I'm going to do with the time I've been given.

Fat Dat 8

2011-01-08T09:57:00.003-06:00

Food:

2 cups coffee with fat free creamer and sugar

applesauce

banana

2 bagel things with brummel and brown spread

hot dog

9 chicken nuggets with ketchup

2 pieces of pepperoni pizza with 4 pieces of crazy bread

1 cup ice cream with chocolate sauce

Activity:

1 mile walk

Thoughts:

It was a pretty crap day food wise. I made the choices, I'll have to live with them. I could give you all sorts of "reasons" (aka: excuses). But, y'all know the drill. One good choice leads to another, one bad choice tends to lead me down a road full of crap.

I've been thinking how to combat this. I talked a little bit about the things I think can help, but you know what. I didn't employ any of those tools yesterday. I can only do so much talk without taking action. So, how do you turn those thoughts, the knowledge of how to be healthy, into actions?

So, today I'll work on those actions (full discloser: began my day with a donut, pretty sure that isn't the type of action that will help me out here).

See y'all later!

Laura

Fat Day 7 (a little late)

2011-01-07T09:11:00.002-06:00

Food:

sausage biscuit and hash

thai peanut noodles with beef

egg flower soup (not much, maybe 1/2 a cup)

1/4 cup pinapple cilantro sorbet

chicken nuggets and french fries

sweet and sour sauce

ketchup

water

Activity:

window shopped for about 1/2 hour... that sorta counts for walking :)

Thoughts:

I've noticed a couple of things the last few days. If I don't start the day with a healthy breakfast, the rest of the day goes to pot quick. I don't know if it is mental or just that my body physically craves more of the carbs and fats after already having them. But, when my day begins with crap, it ends with crap.

I've also noticed that the more water I drink, the less likely I am to feel a desire for unhealthy foods. Again, mental or physical? I'm really not sure. But, I know that there is a direct correlation between water consumption and food choices/amounts.

Finally, I'm exhausted. And you know what, that isn't ever going to change. At least not for the next couple of years. I'm getting ready to start nightly feedings/wake-ups in just a few months. The fact that I'm tired cannot be an excuse for laziness. It is a fact in my life right now and unless I'm willing to use exhaustion as an excuse for the next several years, I need to get over it and start learning how to work around my tired body/eyes/mind.

I'll see y'all tonight!

Laura

Fat Day 6

2011-01-05T18:11:00.001-06:00

Food:
Coffee (2cups) fat free creamer and sugar
apple sauce
banana
10 chicken nuggets

1/4 cup ketchup

Ritz Crackers

Peanut Butter and Jelly

Diet Coke

Water

Activity:

not much, my goal tomorrow is to do the WATP 1 mile walk

Thoughts:

TIRED. That is a theme that is neverending in my life. I have lots of thoughts, stay tuned... they will be posted tomorrow when I can be a little bit more coherent!

Laura

FAT Day 4

2011-01-04T19:49:00.002-06:00

Food:

Coffee with ff creamer and sugar

sausage biscuit and hash

chicken nuggets and french fries

crackers with peanut butter and jelly

sweet and sour sauce

water

Activity:

I cleaned out all the baby boxes and the basement and sorted through and restacked, doesn't sound like much but it sure wore me out!

Thoughts:

Tired. That is all. I have thoughts, but mostly they are about how my energy is severely lacking and that could be because I didn't eat anything of real value today. I plan to change that tomorrow.

See y'all later!

Laura

FAT Day 3

2011-01-03T20:39:00.003-06:00

Food:

2 cups coffee with ff creamer and sugar

bagel thin with brummel and brown spread

applesauce

Lean Cuisine

1 cups black eyed pea soup and 2 pieces cornbread

2 apples

1 tortilla with cheese and 2 tbs taco meat

1/2 cup of corn

1/2 cup ice cream with chocolate syrup

Activity:

nada

Thoughts:

Tired. That is my biggest thought right now. TIRED!

We bought an outfit for baby girl this weekend. It was my first clothing purchase for her. I'm kind of excited about all the girl clothes.

I'm mad at my in laws. Trying to get over it. They just hurt my feelings. But I can't control them, I can just control myself. So I can either chose to dwell on it, or I can chose to forgive and forget.

It is sometimes hard to forgive and even harder to forget. Careless comments can really hurt and stay with you.

The kiddo cracked me up today. Several times. He makes life fun!

I hope all of you had something that made your life fun today!

See y'all tomorrow!

Laura

FAT Day 2

2011-01-02T19:48:00.001-06:00

Food:

1 cup coffee with ff creamer and sugar

2 slices cinnamon swirl bread

banana

1/2 cup Fried Rice

orange chicken

vegetables in sauce

egg roll

bagel thin

apple sauce

hot dog

french fries

ketchup

sugar free pudding and nilla wafers

water water water

Activity:

Does shopping count?

Thoughts:

I don't feel good this evening. I still have nauseous days and this was one of them. I ate random items sporadically throughout the day which generally happens as I try to find something to settle my stomach.

But, I'm here. I recorded my food. I've been trying to concentrate on the blessing that is this baby girl kicking inside me and not the nausea being caused.

Hope you are all doing fabulous! See y'all tomorrow!

Laura

FAT Day 1

2011-01-01T18:45:00.001-06:00

Food:

1 cup coffee with fat free creamer and splenda

1 slice Cinnamon Swirl Bread

1 tsp Brummel and Brown Spread

Nonfat Vanilla Greek Yogurt

1/2 cup Pecan Granola

1/2 cup blueberries

Lean Cuisine, Chicken and Vegetables

banana

bagel thin with 1 tsp brummel and brown spread

2 cups blackeyed pea gumbo with sliced turkey sausage

2 pieces homemade cornbread

Water

Activity:

Still not much in the way of purposeful movement, but I did a lot of housework again.

Thoughts:

The New Year. It is crazy that it is 2011. I am in a much better place than I was this time last year. Mostly because I am making conscious decisions about my health instead of just sticking my head in the sand.

Weight wise I am about the same as I was this time last year, give or take a couple of pounds. Which is saying a lot since I am 22 weeks pregnant.

I'm going to start today as FAT Day 1. In case your new, forgot, or whatever; FAT stands for Food Activity Thoughts. I like acronyms.

I'm excited about 2011. I'm excited for where I will be on FAT Day 365. Happy 2011!!

Laura

FAT New Year's Eve

2010-12-31T15:02:00.002-06:00

Food:
2 cups decaf coffee with ff half and half and sugar

1 piece cinnamon swirl bread

Healthy Harvest Applesauce

1/2 cup blueberries

Chobani Nonfat Vanilla Yogurt

1/2 cup Pecan Granola

1 slice wheat bread with 1 tbs pb and 1 tbs jelly

LOTS of Water

Planned for tonight: (bloggin it now, cause I know I won't do it later)

*Pulled Pork Sandwich

*Baked Zuchinni

*2 Fried Pickles

*1/2 Cup Homemade Mac n Cheese

*4 pieces of "Meat Candy"

*2 non alcoholic cocktails

*1 slice pound cake

Activity:

Does cleaning out closets count? I cleaned out 2 and it took forever :)

Thoughts:

New Years. The DAY to make resolutions. I've been going back and forth on the idea of making a resolution for days now.

Do I? Don't I?

What happens when I don't keep it?

Notice I said "WHEN" not "IF".

That is the big issue. I've convinced myself that New Year's Resolutions are just like every other promise I make to myself. I won't keep it. I am unable to commit and stick with anything, so why bother.

That is the sort of self-talk I often have whizzing around in my brain. Bouncing from thought to thought about how any true success is impossible for me, I'm a failure before I've begun, I'm not worth the effort.

Is it any wonder that I ballooned up to 254 pounds with those type of thoughts? Is it any wonder that while I experience some success, I never had any true momentum and success was a long hard road that I stalled on frequently?

So my only resolution this year: Replace negative thoughts with a positive one.

There is no real way to measure this, but I'm betting if I really make this change I will see an enormous effect in my life!

Happy New Years to EVERYONE! May 2011 bring you lots of joy!

Laura :)

FAT again...

2010-12-30T19:53:00.001-06:00

Food:

homemade cinnamon roll, no icing

2 cups coffee with fat free creamer and sugar (decaf)

1 cup Healthy Harvest applesauce

1 cup grapes

1/2 cup orange juice

Roasted Red Pepper Hummus with Pretzels

2 chicken and cheese quesadillas (Smart Ones)

tortilla chips and salsa

Shrimp Taco with Cabbage Slaw

Black Beans

Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal with Fat Free Creamer and Brown Sugar Topping

Lots of Water

Activity:

Worked in the yard for about 45 minutes

Thoughts:

My mom freaked out when I told her I signed up for weight watchers. Good reason: it is not safe to diet while pregnant. However, where is the freak out as she saw me consume a big bowl of potato chips one night while watching a movie with her? Where was the freak out when my pants had to go up one more size two summers ago?

It seems to me that people are quick to offer up platitudes when you are doing something healthy about your weight.

"Don't lose to much."

"Don't do anything drastic."

"Don't get too skinny. "

I'll always remember in high school when I lost weight, my then future mother in law telling me I was getting too skinny. I was still over 150 pounds at the time.

Why is it acceptable to steer people away from a healthier life style but it isn't okay to speak up in a loving way when people are destroying their life with their drastic over eating?

It is all forms of love and concern and I appreciate that I have people in my life who care. But where was that love and concern when I was inching up in size and becoming steadily unhealthier?

After I talked to my mom about WW and explained how many points I was eating and that my goal wasn't to lose weight, she was fine. She understood my reasoning and could even see the sense. It was just a funny little reminder that on this journey there will be all different sorts of support.

FAT

2010-12-29T20:43:00.002-06:00

Food:

2 cups of coffee (decaff) with fat free half and half and real sugar

chicken nuggets and fries

sweet and sour sauce

ketchup

orange hi-c

baked chicken thigh (boneless/skinless)

basmati rice

diced potato and peas

sweet red chili sauce

grapes

greek yogurt and blueberries

Activity:

nada

Thoughts:

Back to this format, thought it would be easiest.

I joined weight watchers online today. I'm not trying to lose weight. But I am trying to be accountable. I plugged in as a nursing mother. It gave me over 50 points, plus over 40 for weekly points. That is a lot. I'm not going to stress when I am over my points. I was a few points over today. The point is to to try and keep healthy habits while pregnant and just winging it with the food pyramid wasn't cutting it.

I'm fat. I don't want to come out of this pregnancy 50 pounds heavier than when I went in but I also don't want to do anything to jeopardize the health of the baby. This seemed like a good compromise.

By the way, I will start counting my days again on Jan. 1. It will be FAT Day 1. Seemed to make sense in my little brain.

Oh, and we found out for sure that we are having a little girl. Be watching around May. I will share one picture and her name. But just once and only for a few days. Then I will take that info down. Privacy for my kiddos seems important :) I'm still scared to have a little girl, but I'm working on that!

Laura :)

What CAN I be doing?

2010-12-15T09:47:00.004-06:00

There is a huge Huge HUGE part of me that wants to be complacent about my food choices right now. I mean, I'm PREGNANT, if I want the darn Christmas cookie, I should eat the cookie... if I want 3 mugs of hot chocolate, what is the harm? If I don't journal my food, who cares? I shouldn't have to worry about this right now, I can start a journey to a thinner me AFTER the pregnancy when I'm home with my new bundle of joy. I should enjoy this time to be indulgent and not worry about the fact that I am obese. In my fantasy world, I just don't have to worry about the pounds I might pack on the next few months from this attitude. I'm pregnant, I DESERVE to eat whatever I want to eat.

Now, the part of me that is sensible and prefers living in reality knows that this attitude will not help me at all. I shouldn't be restricting calories, but I should be eating healthy, not only for myself but also for my little babe that is growing. What better time than the present to begin really working on having a true food pyramid in my food choices.

I don't ever meet the nutritional requirements of the food pyramid. I just don't. Carbs and sugars make up the largest portion on my diet. Occasionally supplemented by a fruit or a dairy and rarely accompanied by vegetable. These guidelines are something I CAN DO. Right now, I can work on this. I can't try and lose weight right now, that just isn't healthy for me or the babe. But I CAN start relearning the way I eat. There are only benefits to this plan. So, that is my goal. Journal my food, try and hit my pyramid guidelines and relearn the way I eat.

Plus, I'm really going to use this time to explore/examine/evaluate my issues with food. You don't get to be obese without having food issues/dependency.

So there, THAT is what I can be doing :) I'll be back tonight with a quick food journal. Hope you are all fabulous!

Laura:)

Where to go from here?

2010-12-08T21:10:00.002-06:00

I have been a horrible blogger. There just isn't really any reason other than I am pregnant and tired. Plus, I'm still nauseous a lot of the time, which is getting old since I am 19 weeks pregnant.

I've also been struggling with what to do with this space while I am working on growing a human instead of working on losing weight. I feel like I should still be accountable for my food choices, but at the same time I'm so emotional and sensitive right now, I'm just not sure I could deal with judgement on my food choices... which I've dealt with a lot in this space. It isn't that there isn't validity in what people have to say about my choices in food, I just don't know if I want to hear it right now.... does that sound pathetic?

I'm over the moon about this pregnancy, and thankful everyday for the gift we have been given. There wasn't exactly something missing in our family, but this little baby definitely completes our puzzle.

We have been given tentative news that we are expecting a baby girl. This came with a rush of feelings, good and bad. I grew up with a fat mom. I'm terrified to have my baby girl grow up with a fat mom. I don't know why it doesn't bother me as much for my son... I don't think it is good for him, but I'm not terrified of the idea. But for a girl to have me as her role model, I'm literally shaking in my boots.

That is a whole lot of rambling I just did. I guess I have to start somewhere... so here is my food for today.... exercise is non-existent in my life right now.

Food:

6 cups of water

1 diet coke

1 diet root beer

3 eggos with smart balance butter and maple syrup

banana

8 chicken nuggets with kethcup

2 "magic" cookie bars

chips and salsa

bowl of chicken enchilada soup with pico de gallo

Almost 11 Weeks

2010-10-11T13:29:00.002-05:00

So, I'm feeling a little better. Not fantastic, I still gag all the time, BUT I'm not throwing up... or at least I haven't for a few days. I've been struggling with where to go on this blog for the next 9 months. I don't want to stop blogging, because honestly even though I am pregnant I still need to be working on my healthy, fit mama life. It just can't look the same. I talked with my doctor about what I needed to do in terms of nutrition and of rumblings I have heard that overweight women can still restrict their calories during pregnancy and not adversely affect the baby. Her honest answer: no way. She wants me to eat regular and just concentrate on growing a healthy baby. There are no conclusive studies that prove it wouldn't harm the baby, so better safe than sorry.

So, I think my plan for now will be this: try and get back to my walking, at least 2 miles a day. I like walking and it is an easy way to stay active this pregnancy. Food wise, I'm going to just try and continue on changing the quality of what I eat. Continue trying to eliminate the processed crap I like to fill up on and work on just eating good, whole foods. Hopefully as I continue to feel better, I won't exist only on honey nut cheerios and saltines.

I'm going to monitor my weight gain on this blog. My first pregnancy I have NO IDEA how much weight I gained. I would turn my head and not look, my reasoning: if there was an issue they would say something. I know I came out the otherside weighing 10 pounds less at my 6 weeks post partum check up than I did when I first got pregnant, but other than that, I don't know what the verdict of how much weight gained was.... I had a HUGE baby though... 10.2 pounds.

Anyways, I say all that because I am struggling with what I should do about weight gain this pregnancy. Part of me loved not being tied to a number during that 9 months, but part of me feels like I need to be more aware of my body this time. So, for now I'm going to continue charting my weight.

So, I think I will go back to posting my FAT (food, activity, and thoughts) as soon as eating becomes a little bit more controllable. Right now, I am still very dictated by nausea and don't want to post my food, because I don't want to feel guilty over food choices that are anything but fun or indulgent right now.

So, that is my life right now. It will probably still be a few more days before I'm back to regular blogging, but I wanted to let y'all know my plan for the next 9 months!

:)Laura

I'm still here....

2010-10-03T16:49:00.002-05:00

I'm so sorry I have been absent from the blog. I'm so SICK it is crazy. I am 9 and 1/2 weeks and hoping that morning sickness eases up soon. If there was a bright side to it all it would be that I've lost about 10 pounds because I can't keep hardly anything down. Hopefully soon I will be back and blogging my healthy pregnancy, so please don't give up on me.

Hope to be back regular soon!

Laura

FAT Day 12

2010-09-15T09:16:00.002-05:00

Food:

4 tator tots

chicken nuggets

lemon drops

chocolate milkshake

Gatorade and Water

Vitamin

Activity:

none

Thoughts:

So, I spoke of changes. The change is this: I'm pregnant :) :) :)

I am beyond thrilled to be expecting a new baby. We have been to the dr and seen this little one's heart beating. I am feeling blessed beyond measure.

The flips side is this:

I'm 7 weeks along and feeling it. Nothing really tastes good. I'm throwing up or gagging the majority of the day. Nausea is my friend and is here to stay for several more weeks. My food choices are odd at best. My activity level has zeroed out. I'm hoping to participate in a zoo run this weekend that I have signed up for, but it will all depend on how I'm feeling. I'm going to continue to try and record my food/activity/thoughts everyday just because I want to keep that habit. I'm not going to be weighing, except at the doc's office. I just don't want to obsess over the number, especially right now when I feel like crap.

See y'all tonight (or tomorrow) to record my fat (the one posted today is from yesterday).

Laura :)

Disappearing Act

2010-09-12T08:50:00.002-05:00

I'm here. I've been here. Life has just been changing in our house and while I dealt, happily, with the changes I had to break away from the blog.

I will talk more about the changes soon. So, I'm starting over with my Food, Activity, THoughts... well just back on day 12. I'm still concentrating on when, where, why, more than the actual quality of food. There will be changes in this blog soon, I'm just not quite ready to share those changes. Gotta organize my thoughts and decide where I want to go with them.

See y'all later tonight so I can log my FAT.

Laura:)

FAT Day 11

2010-09-02T08:16:00.002-05:00

Food:

Tea

Orange Juice

Water

2 Pieces of Chicken

Mashed Potatoes

Green Beans

Yogurt with Granola

Sprite

French Fries

Activity:

Kickball with the kiddos at school :)

Thoughts:

My food choices are weird. I know this. I'm working on it. I am working on changing my attitude about what I am fueling my body with but I am focused more on the quantity/and reasoning behind my eating. Am I eating because I am hungry? Am I eating because I am anxious? A few weeks of getting the when/where/why under control and I'll start to focus more on the what. So bear with me while I eat weird/not too healthy stuff :)

See y'all later.

Laura

Binge Free Day: 7

FAT Day 10

2010-09-01T07:12:00.003-05:00

Food:

french toast

apple

orange juice

chicken nuggets (10)

French Fry

Chips and Salsa

Sprite

Water

Activity:

None

Thoughts:

Being back at work in the afternoons is wiping me out. I'm finding it slightly ridiculous that so little time at work is actually effecting my level of energy. Kiddo and I also went to a new Mom's group tonight. I'm am incredibly excited about this new group and can't wait to see where it goes. Kiddo was thrilled to go because his teacher from last year was in the nursery and he LOVES her. He didn't really want to leave when time was up. Got home at almost 8:00, was tired and I was in bed asleep by 9:30. I felt a little like a Grandma but I was TIRED! See y'all later :)

Laura

Binge Free Days: 6

FAT Day 9

2010-08-30T20:21:00.002-05:00

Food:

Lean Pocket

1/2 cup granola

donut

7 chicken nuggets

orange juice

carrots

new potatoes

pot roast

sting cheese and juice box

water

Activity:

none

Thoughts:

My body is still really sore from all the work on the driveway yesterday. I did some stretching, but other than that I am taking it easy. I got an award from Dawne yesterday (who is incredible in her success). Thanks Dawne. I will try and make time to fill the requirements of to award tomorrow.

I'm off to soak my sore muscles.

Laura:)

Binge Free Days: 5

Fat Day 9

2010-08-30T07:26:00.003-05:00

Food:

Orange Juice

Lean Pocket

Bagel with Brummel and Brown

Chicken Sandwich

Sprite

Bowl of Cheetos

4 chicken nuggets with Chips and Salsa

Bagel with Brummel and Brown

Water

Activity:

We put a seal coat on our asphalt driveway today. It took forever and was a ton of work so I didn't do anything else. My body was sore enough :)

Thoughts:

I have no thoughts :) It was too late last night and too early this morning for thoughts :) I will see you all later, and then maybe I will have something deep and profound to share!

Laura

Binge Free Days: 4

FAT Day 8

2010-08-28T19:04:00.002-05:00

Food:

Fat Free Creamer and Tea

Lean Pocket

3 mini corn dogs

1 cup corn

Apple Slices

Bagel with Brummel and Brown Spread and Grape Jelly

1/2 piece of Bacon and 1 homemade pancake

3 cups orange juice

Lots of water

1/4 of can of root beer

Activity:

Walked 2 miles

Thoughts:

We had a good day around the house. I love those days that you just kind of hang at home, get chores done, and enjoy just being in your own space. We are tackling a big project tomorrow, so it was nice to be sort of lazy today.

I'm trying to accept myself for who I am. Acceptance doesn't equal complacency though. I'm working hard to change my relationship with food. I know the quality of food I eat needs to be adjusted. I know that fruits and veggies need to make a regular appearance in my diet. I also know that the more important battle in this moment is how I use food.

Hope y'all had a good day!

See everyone tomorrow.

Laura

Binge Free Days: 3